


Ange et Velours Noir

by yeolakkuma



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Breathplay, Drinking, Drugs, Edgeplay, Exhibitionism, Explicit Language, Flogging, Fluff, Humiliation/Degradation, M/M, Mild Blood, Multi, Non-Graphic Violence, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Platonic BDSM, Polyamory, Rough Sex, Self-Destructive Behavior, Sex Swing, Smut, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-02-14 23:18:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13018293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeolakkuma/pseuds/yeolakkuma
Summary: Sometimes, love sucks. Sometimes it takes you dangerous places and rips you open from the inside out. It tends to find people at different times in life. Love found Jongin at a young age, but it didn’t truly find Chanyeol until he found his best friend hung from black velvet wrapped in lace.ange : angel[velours] noir : black [velvet]licorne : unicornThis work of fiction is dedicated to the everlasting memory of Kim Jonghyun.xoxo





	1. Of First Kisses and Falling In Love

**Author's Note:**

> prompt # : R2.197 [originally posted during Kaifectionery 2017]
> 
> a|n: this prompt called for lots of angst, which for me, was actually hard to do. but i wanted a challenge. this was only going to be a short one-shot, then it turned into a 20k long work. i decided to update it to my most recent writing style and wound up adding over 10k to it. the end result was an ot3 that unintentionally established itself. i apologize, dear prompter, if that isn’t what you wanted. this entire work gets really heavy. and i mean that. there is a long list of tags | triggers for a reason. please, proceed with caution but don't be discouraged. If i love this work, you will to. give it a chance to break your heart, and then mend it back together.
> 
> thank you to everyone involved in the making of this fic. i appreciate everything you do for me.

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

 

Jongin wasn’t sure when he did it, but he knew that he did somewhere along the years of looking at the same face over and over. They were, after all, best friends spending long summer nights together dreaming about the future. Jongin told Chanyeol about his passions, what he longed for, his ambitions, and sweet, tender Chanyeol would always listen intently. But one day Jongin realized that the thing he yearned for the most wasn’t fame or fortune;

 

It was Chanyeol’s love.

 

Jongin was sure it all started before high school. That was when he began to discover that he might have romantic feelings for his best friend. As time passed, things got more complicated when they grew into teenagers. Jongin knew that Chanyeol never had girlfriends or boyfriends, but as freshmen in high school, those things could change in an instant.

 

Jongin was sitting in the courtyard contemplating those things as Chanyeol chewed his sandwich with his mouth half open trying to ask something. Jongin just scoffed before slapping his arm playfully. Chanyeol repeated himself clearly this time.

 

“Do you want to spend the weekend at my house?”

 

“Do you want to close your mouth? That’s nasty.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Chanyeol closed his mouth and scrunched his nose and Jongin thought he was adorable. Jongin really loved when he smiled. Sometimes, when he was lucky, he would see the one dimple Chanyeol had. Most times, he wanted to kiss it until he reached Chanyeol’s lips but he was afraid to ever go that far.

 

“Sure. What are we going to do?”

 

Jongin tucked his trash into his lunchbox and stretched his arms as Chanyeol swallowed loudly and took a sip of his drink. He was such a loud eater and Jongin wondered how anyone, even himself, found Chanyeol attractive.

 

“I don’t know. We can just play games and hang out. Ya know, whatever.”

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

The rest of the day went by fast. The buzz of people in the parking lot made Jongin excited. It was the weekend. He couldn’t wait to go over to Chanyeol’s. He needed to go home, pack a bag, and then head over making sure he had whatever new games he could find for them to play together.

 

When he made it back home, he grabbed his gym bag and packed it fast. Before he could make it to the door he grabbed a few snacks from the kitchen. He smiled at his mother with a mouthful and laughed. She knew where he was going but he still told her out of respect.

 

“I’m going to Chanyeol’s.”

 

“Okay, sweetie. Have fun and call if you need something.”

 

Jongin turned around ready to bolt out of the door when his older brother came from his room. He pushed a bag into Jongin’s hands and smiled.

 

“Here take this.”

 

Taemin, Jongin’s older brother, always bought games for Chanyeol and Jongin to play together. He was the best older brother to Jongin. They were good siblings and rarely fought. They were also incredibly close and had no secrets between them.

 

“Sweet! Thanks, Tae.”

 

He quickly hugged Taemin before skipping out of the door, game in hand. When he reached Chanyeol’s house he was spread out in the front yard in basketball shorts and tennis shoes, sans shirt. It was the first time Jongin really felt himself blush at Chanyeol’s bare body. Of course, Jongin had seen him like this a ton of times, but he was painfully aware now that he found Chanyeol attractive. He may have been a bit slender but he was  _very_ attractive.

 

“Are you just going to stand there?”

 

Chanyeol lifted himself from off the ground and smiled. Jongin had to hide his face and cough into his hand not to give away that he was staring. He swallowed harshly and handed the game to Chanyeol ignoring the sweat that was running down his slightly muscular back.

 

“Taemin bought it. It’s new.”

 

“Awesome! He’s always giving us cool stuff.”

 

They walked inside of Chanyeol’s home and Jongin looked around a bit nervously. No one was home but them. Chanyeol had a sister that was rarely home, but his parents weren’t home either. Jongin bit down on his lip and wandered back into the living room.

 

“Come on. Sit down, Nini.”

 

Jongin sat down and Chanyeol handed him a controller. They weren’t far into the menu when there was a knock on the door. Jongin stood, padding over as if he lived there because on the weekends he pretty much did. When he opened the door his heart dropped a little. He wanted to spend his time alone with Chanyeol.

 

But at the door was an overly excited and very cute boy named Minho.

 

“Hey, guys!”

 

“What’s up Minho! Come on in.”

 

Chanyeol motioned for him to come in and Jongin sighed closing the door. Minho was an attractive looking boy in the same year as them. He was similar in appearance to Jongin, bronze skin and dark hair. They could have passed for brothers. Jongin didn’t spend much time with him but he knew that Chanyeol and he were good friends.

 

Jongin watched as Minho sat down making himself comfortable. They were laughing and smiling together and it was in that moment Jongin felt his heart hurt. He didn’t want Minho so close to Chanyeol. He didn’t want Minho there at all. Every single brush of fingers or little smile made Jongin burn.

 

He was feeling jealous for the first time in his life.

 

They all played games and ate snacks well into the night before Minho went home and Jongin fell asleep on the couch. By the end of the night, Jongin let his jealousy settle into something like confusion. Minho wasn’t a bad person as far as Jongin knew but he was scared. How do you tell your best friend you have feelings for them, feelings you’re confused and scared about?

 

Monday at school Jongin felt like he might have judged Minho too quickly. He wasn’t really that bad of a guy, was he? A lot of people liked Minho and he was polite the entire time he was at Chanyeol’s, including him in everything they did until he went home.

 

But Jongin had this terrible feeling in his gut as he walked the halls. He was chosen as a Hall Monitor for that day which meant he got to skip one class. He looked around staring at the empty halls until he heard giggling in one of the mop closets and decided to check it out. His heart sank to his feet as he opened the door.

 

“Oh shit.”

 

“Jongin, It’s not what -”

 

Chanyeol looked up with big eyes and Minho covered his mouth and ran out. Jongin had caught Chanyeol kissing Minho in the middle of the school day. He couldn't stop staring as Chanyeol’s mouth hung open. Jongin tried to speak but no words formed as he stumbled back and began to feel the burning of tears forming in his eyes.

 

“Jongin, what’s wrong?”

 

Chanyeol pushed through his arms and stood in the hallway waiting for Jongin to answer but he still couldn't speak. He was completely dumbfounded, limbs weak and heart heavy. All he could muster up was a meek ‘ _nothing_ ’ before he closed the door and walked off. For the first time in their lives, Jongin was furious with Chanyeol.

 

He rounded the corner clutching at his chest feeling tears starting to fall. He could feel the physical pain of his heart aching. It was the first time he had ever seen Chanyeol show that type of affection to anyone at all. He always thought it would be him, but Chanyeol was handsome and well-liked. Why would it ever be him to receive Chanyeol’s first kiss?

 

A soft hand pressed against Jongin’s cheek and the familiarity of it warmed him just the slightest until he realized it was Chanyeol. He blinked away the tears before biting down on his lip to keep from crying out.

 

“Nini, why are you crying so hard?”

 

Chanyeol ran his thumb across Jongin’s cheek and frowned. It took everything he had not to just fall to his knees. Jongin was weak for everything about Chanyeol especially when he used their pet name and held him.

 

“It’s nothing. I just don’t feel good,” Jongin straightened out his shirt and took a deep breath, his chest shaking as he tried to hold in the sobs he so desperately wanted to let go. He wanted to wail and scream.

 

Jongin felt arms tangling around his waist and he couldn’t take it anymore. He leaned into Chanyeol and fat, hot tears streamed down his face like flowing rivers. He was so used to Chanyeol comforting him but he still couldn’t stop the image of Chanyeol snaking his tongue into Minho’s mouth. Every time it danced through his vision it ripped his heart open and he wanted to disappear. The scent of Chanyeol’s cologne had Jongin going into fits, slamming his fists into Chanyeol’s chest.

 

“Let me go. Let me -.”

 

“Tell me why you’re crying, Nini.”

 

Jongin felt himself being pulled back just a little and he lost his mind to his heart when Chanyeol looked down at him with his big puppy eyes, his own desperate gaze not wanting to look up. Jongin shoved Chanyeol backward and he stumbled into the other wall.

 

“You wouldn't understand!”

 

Jongin ran as fast as he could without looking back. He heard Chanyeol shout something but he didn’t stop to listen. He spent the rest of the day not speaking to Chanyeol. He ignored their usual nightly phone call and the door. He didn’t leave his room for anything, not even dinner or Taemin. When he saw Chanyeol again, he acted as if none of it had ever happened.

 

After that, through Taemin’s advice, Jongin learned to express himself through dance. He was already enrolled in a ballet academy but Taemin suggested he take a free-form class. It was the best decision he ever made. He let the music take over and control his body. He would dance and express his emotions through the music until he collapsed. When he was angry or jealous, he would spend time at the dance studio, which was frequent. The teacher loved and admired Jongin’s dedication so much she gave him keys to the building to spend as much time there as he wanted.

 

Things eventually went back to normal with Chanyeol, as normal as two teenagers fumbling through life could be. They would spend their weekends together again, but Jongin now had to push down his feelings and tie up his heart. When he spoke about his dreams and aspirations, he was less passionate. He constantly had to choke down the overwhelming feeling to tell Chanyeol -

 

_You._

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

Three summers passed and Jongin felt like the luckiest person in the world. The fling with Minho was somehow short-lived and Chanyeol focused all of his attention back on Jongin. He shoved the memory in a box and tried to forget that Chanyeol’s first kiss had already been taken by someone else. Jongin thought maybe he could have a fighting chance, until Jonghyun.

 

Jonghyun was a typical ‘college hottie’. He was dark, attractive, and charismatic, just like Jongin was becoming as he grew into himself, though, Jonghyun was a bit more mature. He held a booth at the College Recruitment Fair. Jongin thought he was a nice guy, but he would never go for anyone older, especially since he still had feelings for Chanyeol.

 

The college students who held the fair usually held parties the same weekend to try and convince young, impressionables into enrolling in their college or rush their Greek. Chanyeol had suggested that they attend at least one party. Jongin’s heart fell when it was the same college that Jonghyun attended. Several jello shots and a few keg stands with random people later, Jongin was starting to not feel as much as he watched Jonghyun dote on Chanyeol.

 

“Chanyeol, your hair is so curly! It’s really cute.”

 

“Thanks. Everyone loves it.”

 

Jongin watched as Jonghyun ran his fingers through Chanyeol’s hair and tugged on the ends a little. Chanyeol just shyly smiled and bit down on his lip twisting his hands and feet. Jongin wanted to go over there and tell Jonghyun to leave him alone, but that would give away all of Jongin’s dark secrets; ones that included Chanyeol being his and only his for the rest of their lives.

 

“Chanyeol, do you want to get a drink with me?”

 

Hands intertwined as Jonghyun lead Chanyeol away from the crowd. Jongin couldn’t help but follow. He waited a moment before guiding himself through the maze of sweaty bodies and red cups. He saw Chanyeol’s long legs walking up the stairs. When he turned the corner he saw nothing but a line of drunk girls standing on the wall snickering. He sighed deciding to find a bathroom to piss in and forget that Chanyeol was again kissing other boys that weren’t him. The girls pointed to a door down the hall and giggled into their cups and bottles. When Jongin opened the door he felt like his heart was shattering into a million pieces. He dropped his drink and his jaw wanting to fall into the nearest black hole.

 

Chanyeol was sitting on the vanity, legs spread wide, Jonghyun between them. Gripping fabric, he was drunkenly pressing his lips into Chanyeol’s skin moaning and thrusting. Jongin was completely paralyzed with overwhelming heartbreak and fear. Chanyeol was falling for every guy but him, giving himself to every guy but him. Chanyeol’s hands were in Jonghyun’s back pockets and his head was pushed against the mirror when he finally looked up to see Jongin moving away from the door.

 

_“It’s not what you think!”_

 

He didn’t look up as he slammed the door, tears rolling down his face. He ran high-speed out of the house and into the backyard. Jongin wasn’t completely sure where his feet were going to lead him but he knew he wanted to be anywhere in the world but near Chanyeol.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

An open field only concealed by shrubs surrounding the outer fence was where Jongin found himself dancing in circles, crying his eyes out. He was vaguely aware of Chanyeol standing nearby but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He swayed and twisted his body in his drunken haze swallowing down his heartache and vomit. The only time he remembered doing this was the summer after their sophomore year. Jongin had entered into a ballet competition and lost. The dance became more frantic, then desperate, and then he fell to the ground, body heavy. It was when he finally caught his breath he noticed that Chanyeol had run over worried and trying to put his coat on his shoulders.

 

“What are doing you out here? It’s cold and you’re drunk.”

 

“Fuck you!”

 

The choked scream was accompanied by loud sobs. Jongin shoved Chanyeol who was kneeling beside him and he fell back into the grass. Chanyeol got up and tried again to help Jongin to his feet wrapping the jacket tightly around his body.

 

“Nini, stop. You’re shivering.”

 

“Just get away from me! Go kiss that other fucking guy and leave me here!”

 

Chanyeol reached out trying to cup Jongin’s face but he pushed his arm away and reared back, swinging and striking the side of Chanyeol’s face. He fell back on his bottom and extended his legs over Jongin. Chanyeol stared in disbelief as he held his face. Jongin stopped dead and crawled over to Chanyeol, tears falling faster than before.

 

“Oh my- Yeolie, I-I’m so sorry.”

 

He sat back on his calves between Chanyeol’s legs staring at him holding his face completely bewildered and red. No matter how much Jongin thought Chanyeol might deserve to be slapped, he never wanted to actually hurt him. The pink tinge to his cheek had the outline of fingers and it made Jongin feel that much worse.

 

“Yeolie.”

 

Jongin moved to straddle Chanyeol and he leaned back looking confused unsure of what he was doing. Jongin draped both of his arms over Chanyeol’s large shoulders and the jacket fell off his back. He rested his head into the crook of Chanyeol’s neck and started crying harder, body shaking and jerking.

 

“I didn’t mean to. I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you, Yeolie, I'm so sorry.”

 

Jongin was hysterical as he felt Chanyeol’s hands hesitantly circling his waist. They started rubbing little circles on the small of his back and Chanyeol started hushing him quietly leaning into him. Taemin had once told Chanyeol how to handle Jongin when he got upset. He was prone to panic attacks and if he got out of control they were harder to come down from.

 

“It’s okay, Nini. I’m right here. I’m okay.”

 

The hands on the small of his back started rubbing up and down his spine as they swayed a little in the grass. Jongin could feel the damp fabric of Chanyeol’s shirt as his tears slowed and eventually stopped. His breath was unsteady but the worst part was over. Jongin felt Chanyeol shift as his head laid on Jongin’s chest.

 

“Are you okay now, Nini?”

 

When Chanyeol looked up Jongin saw the ache of his heart dancing in his eyes. He wondered if Chanyeol knew what he was doing and knew that it was wrong to play with Jongin’s unheard feelings. He was dumb to be using jealousy as a weapon because Jongin wouldn’t let himself be taken for a fool. Although he was pretty much in love with his friend and didn’t care how much he hurt so long as Chanyeol was happy, the look in his eyes said he wasn’t, not at all.

 

Jongin’s eyes were red and swollen, his lips puffy from biting down on them holding back his tears. He covered his face and tried to pull himself together but Chanyeol reached up pulling them away from his face and gazed up at him fondly. Jongin just stared down at him feeling his eyes flooding with tears again. He pursed his lips and tried to smile as best he could to show that he was okay, but really he wasn’t.

 

It wasn’t until Chanyeol cradled his jaw and did the same half smile that he realized their close proximity. Jongin didn’t care if they were dumb and drunk, he leaned into it letting his tears fall and wet Chanyeol’s palm. He closed his eyes and before he knew it warm lips were gently pressed into his. The kiss was a hesitant quiver of raw emotion and Chanyeol’s worry. No matter how many boys Chanyeol had kissed before him, nothing in the world mattered as much as that kiss, in that moment with that boy. Jongin’s aching heart was soaring even if he was still choking on his emotions.

 

They fell back into the grass and Chanyeol continued to kiss him over and over. His emotions went haywire and his lips were still swollen as he desperately clung to each flutter of contact. He would never admit that each kiss made the strings around his heart pop even though Jongin desperately wanted to control his love.

 

He was vaguely aware of when Chanyeol picked him up and carried him back toward the house, and when Jonghyun called them a cab. He rested his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder and felt a fond gaze and slow caress of his cheek. He felt a finger across his lashes and then across his pouty, swollen lips. When the warm hand rested on his neck, Jongin leaned closer to Chanyeol’s chest.

 

Before passing out Jongin heard the faint sound of sniffling and small whispers into the crown of his head.

 

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

The next day Jongin woke up wondering why he was on Chanyeol’s couch and why his head was pounding like a drum. He didn’t remember much from the party but he felt awful and weak. When he tried to stand he saw Chanyeol quietly sleeping on the floor curled up with his back against the couch. A voice behind him surprised him enough for Jongin to jump.

 

“He’s been there since you guys got back.”

 

Chanyeol’s mom was quiet as she cut vegetables and slid them from the cutting board into a pot. She continued to stir the pot as Jongin helped himself to a piece of carrot.

 

“Why?”

 

“He said that you slapped him.”

 

Jongin’s brows furrowed in confusion. He hadn’t remembered hitting Chanyeol. He walked back to the couch carefully stepping over Chanyeol and his dog to sit back down. He laid back looking at Chanyeol, whose hair was just as curly as his dog’s. It was in tangles and he looked peaceful sleeping soundly.

 

“He said you probably wouldn’t. He also said that you were upset. What he wouldn’t say was why. He cried half the night repeating ‘I’m sorry Nini’ over and over then passed out right there with Toben.”

 

She brought in two glasses of water and shook Chanyeol gently waking him. He smiled before stretching out. Toben jumped up and started running in circles in the living room. Jongin just smiled softly looking down at both of them.

 

“Hey, Yeolie.”

 

Chanyeol melted and pulled Jongin down on top of him rolling into the blankets. He wrapped Jongin up before cuddling into his shoulder. He felt Chanyeol’s arms hold him tighter as he nuzzled into his neck.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“For what?”

 

“If you don’t remember, don’t worry about it. It was nothing.”

 

“Whatever you say, Yeolie.”

 

Jongin rested his cheek on Chanyeol’s head as they laid together on the floor. They had cuddled plenty of times but this time felt different. It was more loving and sweeter than two friends sharing a bed and warmth. Chanyeol clung to Jongin like his life depended on it which made a few more strings around Jongin’s heart let go. He wanted to stay forever in those arms so long as they were warm and wanted him.

 

They didn’t speak about the night before at all and Jongin didn’t press. Mrs. Park finished lunch and they all ate together, enjoying each other’s company and conversation. After they helped clean up Chanyeol walked Jongin back home and they sat in his room awkwardly shuffling back and forth before sitting on the floor in front of Jongin’s small television. Jongin noticed Chanyeol scratching at the carpet and then he started speaking softly.

 

“Do you remember anything about last night?”

 

“Not really,” Jongin started tracing the same small circles into the carpet as he tried to recall anything from the night before. His mind was pretty much blank.

 

“Oh.”

 

Jongin watched as Chanyeol hung his head and frowned. He bit down on his lip and Jongin wasn’t sure why he was becoming so emotional. They hadn’t done much at the party as far as he was aware but then he had been drinking. Something in Chanyeol snapped as fat tears rolled down his cheeks. He was desperately trying not to cry as he wiped his face quickly hiding behind his sleeve. It hurt Jongin to see him like this. Chanyeol was always the happy one of the two of them.

 

“Yeolie, what’s wrong?”

 

Jongin moved just a bit closer, looking at Chanyeol’s in the eyes. He sniffled a bit and cleared his throat as he wiped his face again of the tears he cried, “It’s nothing. It’s fine. I'm fine.”

 

“Please, don’t lie to me. What happened?”

 

Chanyeol leaned back and Jongin moved even closer nearly sitting in his lap. He bit his lip again as the tears started over. Jongin pressed his thumb against Chanyeol’s cheek catching them and wiping them away before they could go too far.

 

“Do you really want to know, Nini? What if it's something that’s going to hurt you?”

 

“If you tell me the truth right now, I’ll try not to be mad.”

 

Jongin unfolded his legs and straddled Chanyeol. They were face to face as Jongin noticed the sadness in Chanyeol’s eyes. They were swimming with tears and Jongin tried his best to make sure he wiped away each one. He left his palms on Chanyeol’s cheeks as he started speaking in whispers and broken sobs.

 

“I kissed Jonghyun last night and you saw it and ran out of the house.”

 

Jongin pursed his lips and sighed, “I can’t be mad at you for something I don’t remember, but I’m upset you would do that.”

 

Jongin sat back and watched Chanyeol's face drop and his gaze settle on the floor. Jongin placed both of his palms on the floor behind him and Chanyeol sighed trying to choke back his emotions but he just broke, becoming hysterical.

 

“I-Do you remember anything at all? Really there’s nothing memorable you can think of from last night?”

 

“Yeolie, what happened that would make you so upset? Please just tell me. Why are you crying so hard?”

 

Jongin lifted himself back up and wrapped his arms around Chanyeol tight. He held his head in his hands as Jongin tried to shush him. He started breathing harder as drool and water covered his face. He wiped his face and continued to cry into his hands. Jongin pushed back on his shoulders and lifted Chanyeol's chin to look at him.

 

“Chanyeol, tell me what happened. Now.”

 

“I fucking kissed you, okay! I kissed you. You were dancing outside, completely drunk and torn up about me kissing Jonghyun. I just wanted to hold you when you fell from dancing but you slapped me across the face screaming ‘fuck you’.”

 

Chanyeol was nearly screaming through his sobs as he gasped for breath. Jongin was paralyzed. He vaguely remembered dancing in the field but that was all. He couldn’t bring back anything else. Chanyeol lifted his hands to cradle Jongin’s face and stared at him with desperation.

 

“I pulled you in, like this and I just -”

 

Chanyeol met his quivering lips with Jongin’s and he shivered. He could taste the saltiness of Chanyeol’s tears. He was surprised at first but then settled into the kiss and Chanyeol’s lap. He deepened it placing his hands on Chanyeol’s jaw and pulling him forward. When Chanyeol leaned back onto the floor, Jongin remembered. He pushed harder making Chanyeol whine and clutch the back of his neck.

 

“I remember this.”

 

“You do?”

 

“I remember the way you held me and pulled me down into the grass.”

 

Jongin pressed his lips into Chanyeol’s again and leaned down further to trail them down his neck. Chanyeol moaned quietly gripping Jongin’s sides and pushing his hips back.

 

“J-Jongin.”

 

“Yeolie, you’re hard.”

 

Chanyeol pushed and pulled Jongin across his lap, his length against Jongin’s thigh as his eyes grew wide. Jongin swallowed harshly and closed his eyes tight pressing his palms into Chanyeol’s chest. He panted and Chanyeol bucked up from the floor causing Jongin’s knees to come up with him.

 

“Ch-Chanyeol.”

 

Jongin moaned and started palming himself through his pants, a hand still balancing himself on Chanyeol’s chest. His hands ran up and down Jongin’s legs then slid up his thigh.

 

“Nini, I want to touch you.”

 

“Then touch me.”

 

Hesitantly, Jongin pulled Chanyeol’s hand to his stomach and pressed it down his waist dragging it across his growing ache. He pressed it harder against him thrusting into Chanyeol’s palm as he circled his hand tugging experimentally through Jongin’s sweats. Chanyeol hissed and ran his other hand up and down Jongin’s chest going under his shirt and flicking his nipples and pinching lightly.

 

“Fuck.”

 

Jongin watched as Chanyeol’s hand wrapped around the base of his neck while he continued to stroke his length. Jongin moaned rocking faster as Chanyeol squeezed just a bit tighter. The fire in Chanyeol’s eyes was returned by Jongin’s when they realized how much they both liked that and everything else they were doing.

 

Chanyeol’s eyes rolled back and his lips parted as he rolled up pressing himself against Jongin again. He panted harder as Jongin leaned over and started kissing him deeply again. A noise broke them apart as Jongin fell over to the side of Chanyeol and they both covered themselves up trying to hide red faces and obvious arousal.

 

“Hey, I have a new - Oh shit. I’ll come back later.”

 

Taemin laughed to himself as he saw the heavy petting and embarrassed faces of Jongin and Chanyeol. He set what looked like a game on the floor and closed the door quietly leaving the two to their thoughts. Jongin pushed his obviously hard cock down his thigh and saw Chanyeol do the same putting his face in his hands.

 

“Shit, he caught us.”

 

“Nini, will he tell?”

 

“No. Taemin’s cool. You know that.”

 

Jongin smiled and leaned over when Chanyeol pulled him close kissing him chastely on the lips, “I could kiss you forever, Nini.”

 

“I’d be okay with that.”

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

That was how they spent part of an entire summer before college. Chanyeol started going to Jongin’s house almost every day which meant he spent more time with Jongin, but it also meant spending more time with Taemin. After a while, Jongin noticed that Chanyeol was no longer spending much time with him. He was coming over for Taemin’s company, and not his.

 

Jongin didn’t let it bother him until one day he walked in to see Chanyeol already in Taemin’s room. He watched from the door quietly as Chanyeol gazed at Taemin the same way he did Jongin. His brother was an attractive person. Jongin and he were always doted on as kids. Taemin grew up and filled out well, while Jongin still had room to grow.

 

As he stood there he heard their conversation and wished that he would have had the courage to move away. He shouldn’t have stayed and listened, but Taemin seemed moderately uninterested in whatever Chanyeol had to say as he played his game and Chanyeol fiddled with a piece of paper on the floor.

 

“Taemin, what kind of guys do you like?”

 

“How do you know I like guys?”

 

“Just asking.”

 

“Do you have something you want to say, Chanyeol?”

 

Jongin watched as Taemin sighed and set his controller down. He looked pissed off and rightfully so. Taemin was well aware of Jongin’s feeling for Chanyeol. They had no secrets between them. Chanyeol just kept whispering and shyly glancing at him and the paper on the floor.

 

“I think I like you Taemin.”

 

“What about Jongin?”

 

The pain in Jongin’s chest got almost unbearable as Taemin turned to face Chanyeol with a knowing look, something between confusion and anger spread across it. He knew that Jongin and Chanyeol had been kissing, touching, and holding each other all summer. Taemin rolled his eyes as Chanyeol shrugged.

 

“What about him? I think he likes me but he hasn’t said anything. I think he’s just using me.”

 

“Have you ever tried to tell him how you feel or ask him how _he_ feels?”

 

Taemin’s voice trailed off as Jongin walked away deflated. He went into his room and slammed the door behind him, falling to his knees crying. Chanyeol kissed him but _liked_ Taemin, but he thought Jongin was using him. Jongin honestly loved Chanyeol and had for a very long time. It had been many years since Jongin admitted that he loved Chanyeol. Jongin curled in on himself on the floor when the door opened quietly.

 

“Nini?”

 

Chanyeol walked in whispering and closing the door gently behind him. Jongin just turned to face the opposite way before Chanyeol could see his tears. There was no way for him to not be weak.

 

“Go away Chanyeol.”

 

Jongin felt arms around him tugging him into Chanyeol’s lap as he sat down on the floor next to Jongin. He covered his face until Chanyeol pulled his hands away and looked down at him with guilt. He knew that he had made Jongin cry and Jongin just felt worse. Why his heart wanted Chanyeol he couldn’t understand. All Chanyeol did was hurt him over and over, even when his hopes were high Jongin knew sooner or later he would have to come back to Earth.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Stop it. It’s something.”

 

Jongin lost it when Chanyeol pushed his hair from his face and brushed the tears from his cheek. He pulled Jongin that much closer and rocked back and forth trying to calm him down enough to speak.

 

“Yeolie, do you really think I’m using you?”

 

“I-I...You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

 

“But I did. Is that what you really think?”

 

Chanyeol turned his head and sulked. Jongin didn’t know what to think in that moment until he turned back around and smiled down at Jongin. He whispered a quiet ‘ _I’m sorry_ ’ and leaned into Jongin’s hair. They stayed swaying and Jongin just curled into Chanyeol’s chest.

 

“I don’t know what to think Jongin. I don’t know.”

 

“I miss you.”

 

“I know. I know.”

 

Jongin started crying harder but noticed that he wasn’t the only one sobbing. Chanyeol tears soaked his hair as they just stayed crying in each other’s arms. Jongin leaned back and stared at Chanyeol searching for anything in his eyes, anything at all. What he saw were sorrow and confusion, but his smile was still fond and full of teeth. His dimple deepened and Jongin just fell into his shoulder.

 

“Why do you kiss me and tell my brother you like him? I love you. Chanyeol, I love you so much.”

 

“I-I…Jongin I’m not ready for that.”

 

Jongin eyes grew heavy with tears as Chanyeol moved back and shook his head. He wiped his face and kept his distance. Jongin saw Chanyeol standing and knew he was going to leave. He so desperately wanted to cling to him but knew that suffocating him wouldn’t make him stay. Jongin just grit his teeth and tried to smile.

 

“Please, please stay. Let’s talk about this, Yeolie.”

 

“I need to go. I’m not ready for all of this, Jongin.”

 

Chanyeol finally stood and walked out of Jongin’s bedroom grabbing his bag on the way out. Jongin knew better than to chase him. He couldn’t make Chanyeol love him, only Chanyeol could do that. He would have to find his own feelings in his own time even if it hurt Jongin to watch Chanyeol fall for everyone else but him.

 

Jongin sat on the floor of his bedroom crying until late in the night when Taemin came, forcing him into bed.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

It was days before Jongin saw Chanyeol again. They didn’t exchange more than a few sentences at the front door. Chanyeol had come over to pick up Taemin. Jongin hung his head as he walked back to his room to go get him. He held back his tears as long as he could as he knocked on Taemin’s door.

 

“Chanyeol is here for you.”

 

“Jongin-ie. You know that I’m not going to date him right?”

 

“Why not? He likes you and he’s perfect.”

 

“Because you love him. I would never in a million years do anything that would hurt you. Trust me. Do you trust me Jongin-ie?”

 

“I trust you, Tae.”

 

“Okay. Keep your phone near you.”

 

Taemin ruffled Jongin’s hair, wiped his tears away, and smiled. He gave Jongin a hug before grabbing his things and heading out. Jongin walked back to his room peering to where Chanyeol was frowning in the doorway. He looked so desperate to talk to Jongin, but Jongin wasn’t brave enough to face him yet.

 

Jongin closed and locked his door laying in his bed with his phone. A few moments later it buzzed in his hand scaring him out of his cat-nap.

 

_[New Message from Unknown Number]_

_Is this Jongin?_

 

_[New Message from Jongin]_

_It is. Who is this?_

 

_[New Message from Unknown Number]_

_My name is Kyungsoo. Taemin gave me your number. He said you needed a friend._

 

Jongin sat for a moment and tried to place the name Kyungsoo. It was familiar but he wasn’t sure he really knew who the person was. He pulled down a yearbook from the top of his closet and started to thumb through it. _Kyungsoo. Do Kyungsoo_. He laughed when he realized that Taemin had given his number to one of the nerdiest guys in their graduating class. Graduation was awkward enough, now Taemin was trying to set him up with D.O.

 

_[New Message from Jongin]_

_Oh, hey! I remember you. D.O right?_

 

_[New Message from Kyungsoo]_

_Yeah. I’m surprised you remember me. You were super popular and well, I wasn’t._

 

_[New Message from Jongin]_

_I know everyone :) I do need a friend._

 

_[New Message from Kyungsoo]_

_Want to meet me at the Quad?_

 

_[New Message from Jongin]_

_Yes! I’ll be there soon!!_

 

Jongin shot up from the bed excited. The Quad was his favorite place on Earth besides Chanyeol’s arm and his bed. It was one of the most popular gaming arcades in town and it was right next to his favorite chicken place. Everyone went there. He quickly got dressed and sighed hoping that a little gaming would take his mind off of everything with Chanyeol. He was shimmying into a pair of jeans when his phone buzzed again.

 

_[New Message from Tae Tae]_

_I’m taking Chanyeol to the movies. We’re going to see some action marathon. Go have some fun with Kyungsoo. He’s a really great person once you get through the whole nerdy exterior._

 

_[New Message from Nini Bear]_

_I’ll go. Just make sure Chanyeol doesn’t do anything stupid. I care about him even if I’m mad at him._

 

_[New Message from Tae Tae]_

_I know Jongin-ie. I won’t let him be dumb._

 

Jongin wanted to trust Taemin. He also wanted Chanyeol to come back and apologize for leaving. He just wanted to talk. No matter what his feelings were, Jongin missed his best friend. He finished getting ready and walked to the bus stop nearby. It was a short ride to the Quad. He wasn’t sure if Kyungsoo was there or not. In high school, Kyungsoo was kind of an awkward guy. He wore a lot of khaki pants with button-down shirts neatly tucked in with a belt and nice shoes.

 

“Jongin?”

 

A boy with a bright smile and shining eyes bowed to Jongin. He could only stare back at him in confusion. The awkward boy he knew in high school was replaced with someone much more handsome. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt that fit his chest nicely. He had filled out and was no longer thin. Jongin checked him out a bit longer than necessary staring at his thick thighs and tight ass.

 

 _Oh yeah_ , Do Kyungsoo had filled out _very_ well.

 

“Kyungsoo?”

 

“Are you going to stand there and stare or are we going to play games?”

 

Jongin blushed covering his face in embarrassment as Kyungsoo laughed wholly, “Wow. I’m sorry. Was I being too obvious?”

 

“It’s fine. Most people don’t really recognize me now. Let’s go!”

 

Kyungsoo motioned for the door and held it open for Jongin. They went inside and Jongin was surprised to see it was mostly empty. It left all the best games for him and Kyungsoo to play on together. They went through almost every one and spent the whole afternoon laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Jongin loved the way Kyungsoo’s smiled turned into the shape of a heart and how his small hands guided him around the arcade.

 

“Do you want to stay here and play more games or go get some food?”

 

“Food!”

 

Jongin pumped his fist into the air and laughed. Kyungsoo did the same smiling and taking Jongin’s hand. It was much smaller than Chanyeol’s but it was warm. They walked outside only for Jongin to pull Kyungsoo along the sidewalk to next door.

 

“Fried chicken!”

 

Kyungsoo laughed more as he caught up with an overly excited Jongin. They walked in and sat down waiting patiently to order. Kyungsoo pulled out Jongin’s chair, poured him water, and got him napkins. Jongin smiled at how amazing and chivalrous Kyungsoo was. He would never have thought the shy, odd boy from high school would turn into a handsome, kind person.

 

“Do you want something spicy?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Kyungsoo ordered and paid for the meal, and Jongin secretly loved how it felt like they were on a date. Under the table, they brushed thighs and fingers and Jongin’s cheeks turned pink. He was feeling a bit smitten with how wonderful Kyungsoo was. There was no doubt that Jongin really did love Chanyeol, but Kyungsoo was incredibly nice and deserved a chance. Chanyeol wasn’t sure of his feelings except that he liked Taemin.

 

They ate silently sharing a few glances and smiles. Jongin really liked Kyungsoo’s lips and the way they moved when he talked or smiled. He noticed how he licked them a lot and thought it might be a habit of his. After they ate and cleaned up the table, they sat and talked for a bit just enjoying their time together.

 

“What do you want to do now?”

 

“I don’t really know. It’s not late, is it?”

 

Jongin looked down at his phone and panicked. It was late. The buses in the area normally didn’t run very late and he wasn’t going to be able to make it home alone in the dark, “I have to get home!”

 

“Is it really late?”

 

“It is for me!”

 

Jongin stood and Kyungsoo stood beside him placing a hand on the small of his back. He smiled up at Jongin and he melted right then, “Calm down, Jongin. I can walk you home. I don’t live far from here.”

 

Jongin felt an ache in his heart as they walked down the street brushing arms and holding each other’s pinkies. Taemin wanted him to have a friend but his feelings were all over the place. They talked and got to know each other a bit better. Kyungsoo liked to cook and his favorite food was spaghetti. He also loved the color black and the more Jongin talked to him the more he wanted to know, like what his lips tasted like and if he would feel the same sparks he did with Chanyeol.

 

As they approached Jongin’s house he felt a bit sad. The night was actually really enjoyable and Kyungsoo seemed like a genuinely good friend and person. He cheered Jongin up in ways he wouldn’t understand, and it felt nice to get out of the house with someone other than his family.

 

“I feel like we were on a date.”

 

Kyungsoo bit down on his full lip and it popped back out making Jongin want to capture it between his own. Jongin chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his head looking down at a blushing Kyungsoo.

 

“Me too.”

 

“If it’s okay, Jongin, can I maybe kiss you goodnight?”

 

Kyungsoo took a step toward Jongin and he froze in his thoughts. Chanyeol’s first kiss had already been taken and Jongin’s first kiss was on a drunken night he barely remembered. He thought about all the boys Chanyeol had already kissed when he made up his mind that it was time to see what happened when he kissed Kyungsoo. If there were no fireworks and butterflies like Chanyeol, then Kyungsoo wasn’t the one. He wasn’t Jongin’s person. But he still wanted to kiss Kyungsoo, so he did.

 

Jongin leaned down and cupped Kyungsoo’s face and gently pressed his lips into Kyungsoo’s. They were soft and Jongin thought to himself that kissing Kyungsoo was nice. He felt hands on his waist and then Kyungsoo pulled him flush with his chest. They were so close he could feel Kyungsoo’s body heat. Jongin parted his lips when Kyungsoo’s tongue nudged it and let him in, but there were no fireworks or sparkling lights. They were full on making out in the front yard, though, when a stifled growl came from the sidewalk. It was Chanyeol.

 

“What the fuck is this?”

 

Chanyeol hissed and tried to take a step forward but was met with Taemin’s hand. Jongin swallowed nervously taking a step back and watching as Chanyeol’s eyes were set on fire. Taemin grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him back from grabbing a handful of Kyungsoo’s collar.

 

“Stop it, Chanyeol. I set Jongin-ie up on a date with him.”

 

“You did what!?”

 

“Jongin-ie has been feeling really terrible since you rejected him and don’t hang out with him anymore so I set him up on a date with Kyungsoo.”

 

Taemin shoved his hands into his pockets with a smug smile on his face as he walked into the house. Jongin just cautiously stared between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol. He saw Chanyeol take a step forward toward Kyungsoo narrowing his eyes and clenching his fists beside him.

 

“Kyungsoo, like Do Kyungsoo. ‘D.O your homework’ Kyungsoo.”

 

“Yeah and I’m guessing you’re Chanyeol.”

 

Kyungsoo turned around putting Jongin behind him. Chanyeol moved another step forward but didn’t raise his hand. Jongin was scared. He didn’t want a fight to break out because of him. Chanyeol was strong and he knew Kyungsoo didn’t have what it took to stand up to him.

 

“Leave. Now.”

 

“Cut it out, Chanyeol!”

 

Jongin stepped out and stood between Kyungsoo and Chanyeol pushing his fist back down to his side. He gave a defeated look and Chanyeol dropped his hands. Kyungsoo smiled apologetically after telling Jongin he would text him later before leaving. Jongin watched him walk away before turning back to a still furious Chanyeol.

 

“You’re a fucking jerk, Chanyeol.”

 

“So what, are you dating him now? I thought you wanted to be with me?”

 

Before Jongin could turn away completely Chanyeol grabbed his arm and pulled him back to face him. His grip tightened when Jongin didn’t say anything. He just stared at the dirt and his shoes before looking up with tears in his eyes.

 

“I do! I love you! But you don’t pay any attention to me! I’m glad I went out with Kyungsoo today. I had a lot of fun.”

 

Jongin pulled his arm from Chanyeol but he didn’t get very far before he was pulled in by his waist and held tight, arms circling him.

 

“Nini, please don’t do this.”

 

“Chanyeol, if you wanted me you wouldn’t be taking my brother out on dates. I would be yours and you would be mine. I wouldn’t be kissing Kyungsoo or trying to find any way to not be around you. It hurts.”

 

“Jongin.”

 

Chanyeol’s head rested on his shoulder and Jongin melted. He wanted this so badly, wanted Chanyeol. He could feel his heart breaking and his voice starting to crack as Chanyeol just held him tight underneath the stars. Any other night and Jongin would be in love with those thoughts, but Chanyeol didn’t love him and maybe, he never would.

 

“Chanyeol, I told you I loved you. You told me you weren’t ready. I waited and instead, you took Taemin out to the movies.”

 

Jongin took a breath and twisted in Chanyeol’s arms to drape his over Chanyeol’s shoulders and hold him just as tight.

 

“I wanted you to myself. I wanted you so badly, but you don’t want me. I cry every time you stay. I cry every time you leave. Holding you like this is agony because I love you and I will always love you.”

 

He choked on his words letting his tears fall as Chanyeol shook in his arms. He was crying harder than Jongin fisting the back of his shirt in his hands.

 

“I never told you for years. I loved you for _years_ , Chanyeol. I watched you kiss every guy you ever wanted. I saved my everything for you, Yeolie. Everything. My first hug. The first hand I held. The first lips I kissed.”

 

“Jongin, please, please don’t do this.”

 

“Chanyeol, my sweet, tender Chanyeol. Please let me go. I think Kyungsoo is a nice guy. If you don’t want me, let me go. Set me free.”

 

“Nini, please.”

 

Jongin watched as Chanyeol lifted his tear stained face to look at him. Jongin knew his heart would never recover from this moment in time. It would forever be etched in his heart if Chanyeol let him go. He didn’t know if he could stay anywhere near him if Chanyeol decided not to love him like Jongin had for all those years. Chanyeol set his hands on Jongin’s face and cradled it gently kissing his cheek.

 

“I’m going inside now, Chanyeol. Go home.”

 

It took everything Jongin had to push Chanyeol’s hands down and smile. He held them for too long and felt his entire body breaking. Chanyeol’s hands were trembling more than his lips as Jongin turned to walk away. He knew Chanyeol was standing there crying his heart out. When he looked back one last time, Chanyeol had fallen to his knees in the front yard clutching his sides. It was too late as Jongin walked in and closed the door behind him.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

_Chanyeol stayed in the dirty holding his sides as Jongin walked away. He knew this would happen. Minho had warned him years ago that he would wind up in this exact moment._

 

 

_“If you do this it could backfire you know that right?”_

 

_“I know. I just want to push him a little? You don’t have to actually kiss me. Just pretend.”_

 

_“You’re so stupid.”_

 

_Minho laughed as Chanyeol pulled him closer and started to giggle. He tilted his head putting it near Minho’s shoulder and tried to contain his laughter._

 

_“I just want him to look at me and see me. I want him to like me.”_

 

_Chanyeol laughed and held Minho’s sides. He laughed more as he tickled them and played around before they heard footsteps. They steeled themselves as the door opened._

 

 

_Chanyeol let the rest of his memories take over as another person had warned him not so long ago._

 

 

_“Are you sure you want to do this? You’re drunk and a little high.”_

 

_“Yeah, I don’t care. Just kiss me. I know he followed us.”_

 

_“You realize that this could end up awful and he could actually hate you. I’m about to take your first kiss. This belongs to him.”_

 

_Jonghyun put himself between Chanyeol’s legs after closing the door. Chanyeol had hopped up on the vanity adjusting himself so he didn’t fall in the sink._

 

_“Pretend. You’re a drama major, right? Move your head this way and I’ll put my hands in your back pockets. Just act. Aren’t you supposed to be really good at that?”_

 

_“Want me to moan and thrust too?”_

 

_Jonghyun licked Chanyeol’s face and blew on it making sloppy wet noises that Chanyeol laughed hysterically at before slapping his arm._

 

_“Gross! Just do whatever!”_

 

_Chanyeol leaned back as Jonghyun turned his face and the door opened._

 

 

_Every door had opened and Jongin had been on the other side, patiently waiting for a reckless Chanyeol with a determined heart. This time the door was closing and Jongin was on the other side guarding himself against a desperate Chanyeol with a hopeless heart. Jongin was building a wall that never existed between him and Chanyeol and he only had himself to blame. Chanyeol couldn’t take it and screamed slamming his fist into the concrete breaking skin. He needed to feel the pain to feel like things were real. He was slipping and needed to remember this was real, and Jongin wasn’t his to put in a cage._

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

Jongin heard every cry and every wail from the other side of the door. He heard the impact of Chanyeol’s fist to the concrete and had to resist the urge to run out and care for him. Chanyeol needed this. He needed to find his own feelings or lack thereof. Jongin slid down the door as Taemin watched from behind the corner. As he listened to Chanyeol’s continuous sobs in the night Jongin hit his head against the door and pulled his knees to his chest. He hugged himself tight as Taemin sat down beside him brushing his hair out of his face.

 

“I love him so much, Tae. Why doesn’t he love me?”

 

Jongin leaned over and reached out to Taemin for comfort. He pulled him into a hug and cradled his head pursing his lip. He rubbed Jongin’s back hushing him as his cries went from soft tears to sobs.

 

“He does, Jongin-ie. He just can’t admit it yet, but he loves you in his own way.”

 

“Taemin, I love him. I love him. I love him so much.”

 

Jongin was almost hysterical as Taemin tried desperately to calm him. He pulled Jongin into his shoulder while he screamed and clutched the fabric of Taemin’s shirt.

 

“Hush,” Taemin continued to rub circles into Jongin’s back hoping it would quiet him down, but instead he started to hyperventilate and grip at his own chest. Taemin saw it in his eyes, the panic. He wasn’t going to be able to do anything for Jongin. What Jongin wanted, what he needed, was Chanyeol.

 

“Make it stop! Make it stop, please! It hurts!”

 

Jongin felt the sting in his throat and his lungs felt like they were collapsing. He was nowhere near water but Jongin could swear he was drowning. Taemin stood and Jongin tried to hold onto the hem of his shirt. He walked out and grabbed Chanyeol from the dirt, dragging him by his collar.

 

“Get in here. He won’t calm down. I can’t do it. You have to.”

 

Jongin watched as Chanyeol fumbled into the foyer. He couldn’t do anything other than gasp and grit his teeth. Every breath felt like daggers through his chest and a gunshot wound to the heart. Chanyeol dropped to his knees and Jongin watched him deflate into the floor, helpless and broken.

 

“Chanyeol, help him, damn it!”

 

“I don’t know how.”

 

Taemin lifted Jongin from the floor and he screamed again like he was being murdered. His tears were heavy and staining his soft features. Disoriented and trembling, Chanyeol leaned over and pulled Jongin to him helping him to his knees. The rise and fall of Jongin’s chest were quickening as Chanyeol got closer and closer.

 

“Help him, Chanyeol!”

 

Jongin watched as Chanyeol leaned in and pulled him closer pressing their lips together. He blew air into Jongin’s lungs filling them all at once. He put one hand on the back of Jongin's head cradling it carefully as his own tears started to fall. His other hand found Jongin’s back balancing him. Chanyeol took another deep breath and exhaled it into Jongin’s mouth. He gasped a bit before Chanyeol did it again but instead kissed Jongin deeply, frantically.

 

“Stop being a fucking idiot and just tell him how you feel. He’s literally in physical pain from what you’re doing and from loving your stupid ass. I understand if you’re afraid but so is he. Jongin-ie was brave enough to say he loved you and still went on a date despite that. He wanted to give you everything.”

 

As Taemin stood, Jongin fell into Chanyeol’s lap, his weak body pressed against him. He felt Chanyeol’s hand against his neck taking his pulse and wiping his face. The pads of his fingers were rough and covered in the leftover blood and dirt from his knuckles. He smiled at Jongin and it left him breathless again. Every smile did that to Jongin.

 

“He did.”

 

“What do you mean by that?” Taemin put his hands on his hips and waited. He looked absolutely furious.

 

“I never kissed Minho. I never kissed Jonghyun either. They were pretending. My first kiss was when I chased Jongin at that party. He was dancing and I was so completely mesmerized but I had no idea how to make him mine. I was afraid. I’m still afraid. But I didn’t want him to be upset anymore so I pulled him down and kissed him. It was my first kiss.”

 

Jongin watched as Chanyeol started to cry again. The dirt on his face washed away and revealed pink cheeks and a soft smile. Chanyeol brushed Jongin's hair away from his forehead and wiped the tears left on his face. His eyes were fluttering but his breath was normal. He was exhausted and emotional. But Chanyeol was confessing and Jongin wanted to hear everything he had to say.

 

The truth.

 

“So, you faked all of that to get his attention? You hurt him over and over, Chanyeol, yet he still loves you.”

 

“I’m so stupid.”

 

“You are. Chanyeol put him to bed. You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t run away from you.”

 

Jongin watched as Taemin walked away to his room slamming his door. Chanyeol lifted Jongin effortlessly, carrying him into his room. Gently, he laid Jongin down trying not to rub blood on his sheets or pillow. Chanyeol left the room for a moment as Jongin’s eyes drooped and his head lulled. When Chanyeol came back his hands and face were clean.

 

If Jongin wasn’t so weak he would have fought Chanyeol off as he stripped him of clothes. Chanyeol did the same laying next to Jongin. It felt so natural to curl into each other and share warmth. Chanyeol was the first to move his hand and lace their fingers holding on like his life depended on Jongin’s. Sleep was taking Jongin as Chanyeol started to whisper something but he only caught part of what he said before his mind and body drifted off.

 

“Nini, I’m sorry for hurting you. I have to let you go, but please don’t run away from me. I swear to everything I have that one day I’ll make you mine. One day when I’m not afraid and you aren’t in pain. When we’re better people...when I’m a better person. Jongin, I love you. Please be here in the morning.”


	2. Of Running Away and Going Astray

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

When Jongin woke up an hour later, he saw Chanyeol still fast asleep next to him. It hurt his heart that he had decided what he was going to do, but he stood before his resolve crumbled. Chanyeol was too afraid to love him now when he wanted to be loved, so he decided it was time to leave, even though he knew everyone in his life would be hurt. He needed an out and this was his chance.

 

Jongin grabbed a small duffel bag and jammed it full of his clothes and a few belongings he thought he would need. He tried to stay quiet as he sobbed through leaving behind so many things; his favorite books, his dance equipment, and his favorite pair of pointe shoes. He wouldn’t need them for awhile and maybe when he felt better he could come back home. He tiptoed to the side of the bed and gave Chanyeol one last glance. He looked peaceful and happy resting without a care in the world. Jongin wanted to kiss him goodbye but knew that if he did, he would wake Chanyeol. Instead, he took a deep breath, whispered his goodbye, and left.

 

As Jongin walked, he felt sadness wash over him several times. He walked for what seemed like days, but it was only an hour or so. He had remembered one of his best friends from middle school, Baekhyun, had told him if he ever needed a place to stay just to show up, so he did. He walked all the way there knowing the buses weren’t running. When he knocked, the door opened to a half-naked older Baekhyun laughing at someone over the phone. His eyes met Jongin’s and his jaw hit the floor.

 

“I have to go,” The smile that was on his lips fell when a sweaty and tired Jongin nearly passed out in the doorway, “Jongin? Is that you?”

 

“Hey, Baek.”

 

“Get in here. Where the hell did you come from? Please tell me it wasn’t your house.”

 

“Yeah, my house.”

 

“Nini, that’s fucking miles. Did you really run away from home?”

 

Baekhyun took the bag from Jongin’s shoulder and dropped it on the floor next to the couch. Jongin barely managed to flop down, his eyes closing with exhaustion. He watched as Baekhyun came around the couch with water. Jongin chugged the whole thing. Baekhyun filled it once more before Jongin could catch his breath to speak.

 

“I couldn’t take it anymore, Baek.”

 

“Tell me everything.”

 

Jongin took a deep breath and started to tell Baekhyun about everything that had happened. He started from when he was young with Chanyeol until the panic attack. He sobbed through the retelling of falling in love with Chanyeol, and how he wasn’t sure why Chanyeol couldn’t just give into his own feelings. He spoke about every little detail he could; the kisses, the heavy petting, everything. He even told Baekhyun about Kyungsoo and Taemin. Baekhyun listened to everything and nodded trying to be sympathetic.

 

When he was finished, Jongin put his head in his hands trying to calm his sobs. Bringing everything back up only made him feel worse for leaving Chanyeol in bed thinking he would wake up next to him. Baekhyun stood from the couch and grabbed a small bag from the coffee table. As he sat back down Jongin realized what Baekhyun was about to offer him and began to shake his head.

 

“What...No, Baekhyun. I don’t do drugs.”

 

“Do you want to forget? I mean you ran away from Chanyeol,  _to me_ of all people. If you want to forget, I can make that happen.”

 

“What _will_ happen?”

 

Jongin’s voice was barely above a whisper as Baekhyun straddled his lap. He put the little pill on his tongue and started stroking Jongin’s hair out of his face. Jongin was hesitant but he wanted so badly to forget, even for a moment. If he could stop time for just a moment and have a blank mind, he would do anything... _anything_ for Chanyeol to not occupy every thought of his entire being.

 

“You’ll forget.”

 

Baekhyun leaned into Jongin’s space and kissed him, slipping the pill into his mouth and sucking on his tongue. Jongin started to sob as he swallowed the bitter pill with some water. Even if his mind was elsewhere his heart was still connected to Chanyeol. Baekhyun sat silently in Jongin’s lap just brushing his hair and stroking his cheek as his tears fell.

 

“You should turn over a new leaf. Let me help you.”

 

“On one condition; you can’t tell anyone where I am.”

 

Baekhyun nodded his head as he pushed Jongin to lay across the couch. He relaxed a bit letting Baekhyun take over and do as he pleased. He massaged Jongin’s shoulders and then ran his hands into the soft brown strands of Jongin’s hair. Jongin whined starting to feel the effects of the drugs. Everything felt good as Baekhyun ran his hands up and down his body. Every hair was standing on end and tingles were taking over his nerves sending him into little fits of pleasure and giggles.

 

Soft pants and moans filled Baekhyun’s tiny apartment as he shifted, sliding down Jongin’s lap and pushing his shirt up. Jongin threw it to the floor and felt open mouthed wet kisses across his collarbone that made his cock throb with need. He was so sexually frustrated from Chanyeol that he wanted, needed to be touched. Time stood still as he was turned over and Baekhyun straddled the back of his thighs. He placed his thumbs on the small of Jongin’s back and started gliding them up his spine to the nape of his neck. He moaned out loud when Baekhyun pulled a small handful of hair. It made Baekhyun laugh. He did it again and Jongin found his mind spinning, his trapped cock throbbing against the couch.

 

“I won’t sleep with you no matter how much you press your ass against my dick, Jongin.”

 

“I don’t care at this point.”

 

“Don’t say that. You would care. You belong to someone else and it’s not me.”

 

Jongin felt Baekhyun shift and lay across his back. How he wasn’t painfully aroused was beyond Jongin. He rested his cheek against Jongin’s back and nuzzled folding his arms underneath him as best he could. Jongin rolled over settling Baekhyun against his chest instead and wrapped his arms tight around his waist. Tears began to well up as he buried his face in Baekhyun’s hair.

 

“Baek, why can’t he just...why can’t he be with me?”

 

“I don’t know, Nini. Stop thinking about it so much," Baekhyun took a breath and sighed audibly, "You know what you should do? Dance. It would help you feel better and I have the perfect place if you’re willing to be open and explore yourself a little.”

 

Baekhyun placed his elbows on Jongin’s chest and smiled. There was a playful but hopeful look in his eyes. No matter how much time had passed between them, Baekhyun still knew Jongin well. Dancing always helped him no matter what the problem was. Losing himself in the music and letting his feet take him to faraway places was one of the only ways Jongin could deal with his problems and his fears. Baekhyun knew it well and Jongin had no reason not to trust him.

 

“I do love to dance. Let me stay high like this and I’ll believe I can do anything.”

 

Jongin let the drugs take over as he closed his eyes and lost himself in visions of dancing in unknown places. He found himself missing his pointe shoes and leotards. He wanted so badly to just lose himself in a dance that would never end. Before long both Jongin and Baekhyun were asleep in each other’s arms.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

A week passed and Jongin knew Baekhyun was right. Not thinking helped, and so did ‘Le Petite Mort’. The first day Jongin went to the club he was overwhelmed with many emotions; the biggest being excitement. He had never heard of anything like the BDSM club. He hadn’t even ever heard of BDSM. After a few small talks with a bunch of the staff, Jongin realized he was very much into everything around him. Baekhyun pulled him to a corner one day and explained what exactly he did there that he wanted Jongin to think about doing as well.

 

“I’m a dancer, but I also scene on the stages. Right now, I don’t have a dedicated Dom, but the Doms here are wonderful people and never, ever push me past my limits. My stage name is 'Ange', it means angel because of my light skin and silver hair. Sometimes I wear gray lenses to up the look. You’ll need a name and a persona when you are here but for now, we’ll just work on getting acquainted with everyone. The owner, Suho, has said you can dance as much as you want. We don’t open for at least another few hours so the stage is all yours.”

 

Jongin let the words soak into him as he looked around in a daze. He set his eyes on something across the club and pointed to it as Baekhyun followed his arm. He smiled and Jongin just stared in wonder at the long pieces of black fabric hanging from the ceiling on an intricate pulley system. He was familiar with aerials and silks but it had been a long while since he had actually danced on them.

 

“Can I dance with that?”

 

“Just ask Suho. I’m sure he’ll help you out.”

 

Baekhyun grabbed a still bewildered Jongin by the wrist and drug him to where Suho was standing, clipboard pressed against his stomach and pen jotting down things. He smiled at both Jongin and Baekhyun before pushing the pen above his ear.

 

“What’s up Ange? How’s our new baby?”

 

“He’s good. He wants to use the silks.”

 

“Well, sure but it’s not silk. I ordered the wrong type of fabric but Safety told me it was still okay to use. It meets the standards but I still wanted the silk so I ordered more. It will be here next week. Feel free to test it out though. Licorne hasn’t tried it.”

 

Suho murmured something about Licorne’s unproductive ass but Baekhyun had jumped up on stage pulling Jongin with him. It only took a moment for Jongin to take his shoes off and walk to the fabric examining it carefully. He was vaguely aware of the awestruck eyes roaming over his body as he wrapped himself up in the black fabric.

 

It was soft and felt familiar as he wrapped his feet and then pulled himself up. He climbed carefully pulling up to about midway before wrapping the fabric around his mid-section. Jongin stopped and smiled down at Baekhyun as he put on soft music. He closed his eyes as he would during a free-form class and let the music take over. He held onto the fabric tight before letting it take him down, then he brought himself back up turning his body over and laying himself out flat in mid-air. Everyone in the club was enchanted by the way Jongin used his strength to fold himself over and hold himself up.

 

It was the day Suho gave him his name.

 

He fell slowly back down to the stage and stepped away from the fabric panting and sweating. Suho set his clipboard down and folded his arms. Jongin watched him smile and then motioned for him to join him and Baekhyun on the side of the stage.

 

“You are obviously well trained in dance and you seem to take well to aerials. I think we can safely say we’ve found your name, too.”

 

Jongin looked between Suho and Baekhyun before looking at the ropes hanging from the ceiling. He furrowed his brows before taking a deep breath.

 

“I loved it. I loved the way the fabric felt against my skin. I’d like to try other things with it.”

 

“Do you know what it is?”

 

Baekhyun pushed his back against Jongin’s legs and he folding over placing his head on top of Baekhyun’s. Suho just smiled and started writing on his clipboard again, then he whispered what the fabric was and Jongin’s heart drummed in his chest.

 

“It’s black velvet.”

 

Jongin closed his eyes and tried not to let his emotions take over. His favorite pair of pointe shoes were black velvet. They saw him through many free-form classes and when he ran away from home, he left them in the closet buried underneath clothes and memories. Baekhyun turned around and cupped Jongin’s face pressing a chaste kiss to his forehead.

 

“It’s okay, but I really think the word ‘velours’ fits well. How do you like that? Your name here can be ‘Velours’. It’s French and means velvet.”

 

“I like it. It fits.”

 

Suho looked up and furrowed his brows before pressing the clipboard against his chest, “Follow me to my office so we can talk about those ‘other things’ you’d like to try.”

 

Jongin hopped off the stage and followed Suho through a nondescript hallway filled with different pictures and posters for safety guidelines. When he got to the small office he sat down and looked around in wonder. There were different things all over the place; books and different play objects. The most notable and frightening was a small riding crop on the desk. Jongin gave himself a mental note not to piss Suho off lest the crop be used on him.

 

“We need to fill out some paperwork for you to continue to dance. If you want to scene we can fill that out too. No need to jump in head first though. We’ll start slow. Ange - Baekhyun has informed me of your circumstances and if you want we can set up a private room for you to live in. We have accommodations here for those that want to work full time as well as live here. It’s modest but you’ll find it comfortable and you can dance in there on your own free time if you wish. If you’re interested, we can work all of that out right now.”

 

Suho slid some papers on a clipboard to Jongin and he smiled. He couldn’t have found a better place to hide away and figure everything out. The plus side was being able to perform and engage in his passion. It was a bit different, to say the least, but Jongin found himself intrigued.

 

The first form was a safety and insurance policy explanation. Most of the information explained that Jongin danced of his own volition and the club was not responsible for injuries except for certain circumstances. The second form was for BDSM scenes. It explained about injuries and harm as well. There were different paragraphs about sexual and non-sexual play as well as private sessions and performance sessions. Jongin was well aware he wanted to be involved, but he didn’t want any sexual contact. He glanced over the last form for room and board, then signed it all. He was excited the room came fully furnished and he could put whatever play items he wanted in there, including aerials.

 

Suho sensed his excitement and glanced up through his glasses, “You’re in luck. I have a vacant room set up for the silks already and since I ordered more fabric, you can have the ones on the stage area installed next week. Sound good?”

 

Suho stood and Jongin followed handing everything over and smiling. This would be his chance. He could start over and forget about his life at home. He read stories and heard gossip about young people running away from home and joining the circus, except Jongin had joined the dark side deciding acrobatics and BDSM was more his forte.

 

“Can I settle into the room today?”

 

“Yes, and when we get there we’ll talk about what you’ve been anxious to do since you left the stage.”

 

Jongin followed Suho down another hallway and made himself a second mental note that he could possibly read minds. He pointed and ushered Jongin into a room that was the size of Baekhyun’s entire apartment. Modest his ass.

 

The place was really cozy for a playroom and private residence. There were pulleys and riggings across the ceiling but plush carpets and soft fabric curtains. The ceilings were vaulted and Jongin walked around with animation. He loved it so much. Jongin bit down on his lip at the thought of practicing and dancing almost every day when he didn’t have to perform on the stages like Baekhyun.

 

“The bed goes in the wall, like this,” Suho lifted the bed pushing it carefully until it rested flat against the wall. It made for a tremendous amount of space. Jongin’s eyes grew wide with awe. He had never seen anything like it before.

 

They walked in further to the studio style apartment. From the outside of the club, you couldn't tell how large it actually was. There were several benches of different sizes and a wall full of play items that Suho explained briefly. Flogs, paddles, different types of gags, several lengths of rope in different colors. When he took another step, Jongin stared wide-eyed at the cross on the wall.

 

“What’s that?” Jongin swallowed hard and ran his fingers across the leather surface stitched into what appeared to be a wooden frame. Several thoughts entered his mind, none of which he actually wanted to think about. He had to wrangle them in as Suho turned him around and smiled.

 

“It’s called a St. Andrew’s Cross and we can try it another time. For now, come here,” Suho had pulled a box down from the closet and set it on the table near the wall. Jongin lit up when he noticed what was inside.

 

Different types of fabrics in different colors. Silk, Velvet. Cotton. Jersey. He was surprised to see so many pieces fit into one box. Suho pulled two small lengths of black velvet from it and set them on the table. He closed the box, pushing it away before taking Jongin’s hands and rubbing his thumbs into his palms.

 

“Shall we begin?”

 

Jongin didn’t miss the way Suho’s shoulders straightened or his voice deepening just a little. It sent shivers up his spine and down his cock. For a moment he thought about another deep voice telling him what to do but he steeled himself and nodded his head.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Yellow to slow down, red to stop. Don’t be afraid to tell me to stop. We won’t be doing anything too crazy so you can relax. I’m not going to take the riding crop to your ass like I should. I'm also going to respect your choice of not wanting to be sexual, so I won't be touching you in any intimate places.”

 

Suho flashed a smile and Jongin laughed feeling a bit better about his joking nature, even though his real jokes were lame as hell. A sigh of relief left Jongin’s lips at the thought of not getting the crop. It was scary especially in the hands of Suho.

 

Jongin whimpered as Suho gently placed one piece of the velvet over his arm and ran it up and down. The slow drag and tease made Jongin bite his lip in anticipation for what was to come. Suho ran his fingers up Jongin’s arms as he pushed them above his head.

 

“Arms up, my love.”

 

Jongin felt the velvet wrapped around his wrists and neatly tied before they were hooked into one of the pulley systems. He could still stand flat-footed as Suho took a step back to admire him, stroking his chin and grinning from ear to ear.

 

“Do you like that shirt very much?”

 

Jongin’s breath hitched as Suho ran his fingers across his chest and to the hem of his shirt. His eyes got wide as Suho pulled scissors from the table and held them in his hand.

 

“It’s not my favorite if that’s what you’re asking.”

 

Suho smirked before cutting away the fabric and throwing it on the floor. He chuckled before running his hands up and down Jongin’s bare chest. He leaned into the touch aching to get more and to feel more.

 

“Better. Look how beautiful you are.”

 

The wandering hands found his cheek and Jongin whined in the back of his throat leaning into each one. He had no idea how this would feel, and it felt amazing. The praise went straight to Jongin's head.

 

“Eyes or ankles?”

 

Jongin raised an eyebrow before contemplating what exactly Suho was about to do. If his eyes were covered, he couldn’t see. If Suho bound his ankles he wouldn’t be able to move well. Suho picked up the second piece of fabric dragging it up and down Jongin’s chest before he answered.

 

“Eyes.”

 

Suho walked behind him and covered his eyes. He tied the fabric loosely behind Jongin’s head leaving a small peck on the nape of his neck. Jongin longed to be touched like that by someone else and every single fiber of his being was trying to hold back from screaming out for him. He wouldn’t hear Jongin anyway.

 

There was a shuffling of feet and Jongin felt the warmth behind him leave only for a moment before it was back against the shell of his ear, “Three numbers.”

 

Jongin choked. Suho was so close he could feel the silky fabric of his shirt and the wetness of his tongue against his skin. They had agreed to no intimate sexual contact but everything about this was making Jongin’s body shiver for more. He was buzzing high on the chemicals mixed in his brain that said pleasure and anticipated pain.

 

“Five, four, and five.”

 

Jongin whispered and then felt Suho’s cheek against his own. He felt lips against his face and a soft kiss on his cheek, “I’ll warm up with five, flog you harder with four, and then come back down with five more. On a scale of one to ten, how hard can I hit you?”

 

Every thought and syllable escaped Jongin as he listened to Suho’s voice slow and sweet like molasses. He wanted it hard, harder than he thought he might have wanted before. Sure, he thought about being spanked a few times but this was different. He wanted it hard and he wanted it to make him forget.

 

“Eight. I want it hard.”

 

As soon as he answered, Jongin was being turned to face the other way and locked into position. He felt Suho’s hands run up and then down his arms, and then his back. He sighed feeling his hand grip his side gently tugging him to balance his stance. The chain above him rattled and Jongin took a deep breath swallowing his nerves. Suho wouldn’t hurt him, not like that.

 

Jongin heard shuffling again and was vaguely aware of Suho picking up something from the wall of instruments, something small. It was closer to Jongin so it had to be one of the whips or floggers. He was right.

 

“This is a ball handled suede flogger. The suede is good for beginners like you, the handle is good for an experienced Dom like myself. It helps me to have control over my instrument so that I don’t hurt you in a painful way. As well, it’s good for a two-handed technique which we will not be doing today, another time perhaps. Velours, what are your safe words?” Suho sighed and Jongin could hear the flogger being spun in circles, the tails making a soft wind against his back and whistling in the silence of the room.

 

“Yellow to slow down, red to stop...Sir.”

 

Excitement pulsed through Jongin’s veins as the flogger brushed up against him. He smiled and Suho laughed, carding his hand through Jongin’s hair. He keened, surprising himself at how reactive he was to Suho’s touch.

 

“What a good boy. I love an eager Sub,” Suho closed the distance between them and rubbed one of Jongin’s shoulders with his free hand, “Are you okay with humiliation and degradation? I won’t go too far... just from what I know, what Baekhyun has told me.”

 

“I think I’m okay. I’ll use the safewords if it’s too much.”

 

Jongin was aware that Suho knew just about everything he had told Baekhyun. His skin broke out into goosebumps as Suho’s breath ghosted across his shoulder blades. Suddenly, Suho’s voice became stern and dark. Jongin sat with trepidation but also held a sense of intoxication. He wanted to feel the pain of the flogger against his skin to remind him that this was real. Life without Chanyeol was real.

 

“I’m going to begin.”

 

The first contact to Jongin’s skin was light and struck the right side of his back. It stung but the softness of the suede made his skin tingle. He liked the sensations of the ache and the arousal he was feeling. He steeled his body reminding himself that if he moved much he would get hurt. The second strike was a bit lower and gave him the same feeling. Jongin moaned feeling like he could really enjoy it. The third, fourth, and fifth were similar in harshness and spread across the left side. Suho never touched his spine telling him that it would dangerous to do so. By the last lash, Jongin felt the power Suho could have if he reared back just a bit more and struck him harder. He couldn’t believe by the end of the first set how painfully aroused he was.

 

“I’m going to get harder now, Velours. Remember to stop me if it’s too much and I will immediately release you and begin aftercare,” Suho’s voice was comforting but confident and encouraging.

 

“Yes, Sir.”

 

Jongin’s breath was already starting to get heavier as he anticipated the next set. The first one lit his back on fire as he felt the wind from the flogger ripping into the air and then his skin. The pain sent his head lulling in pleasure.

 

“Do you know why I’m punishing you Velours!?”

 

“No, Sir.”

 

As Suho’s voice grew louder, Jongin’s grew softer. He felt tears already gathering in his eyes at the extreme sensations and overload of emotions. The second strike made a trail of white lightning through Jongin's body as he tossed his head back and forth. The left side of his body felt as if liquid metal was running down his skin.

 

“You ran away from home! You ran away from your responsibilities, to where? Ange? Was it because you were so desperate for a release, for affection?”

 

The flogger reared back once more making contact with the right side again. Jongin screamed in pleasure and pain. He thought the whole club could hear him. The icy hot feeling of his skin was amazing, but the sharp tongue of Suho’s words was starting to get to him.

 

“You just wanted to fuck him, didn’t you? You got high the moment you stepped inside his home. I know how Ange plays. He probably shoved his tongue into your mouth and you didn’t stop him, even though you supposedly are in love with Chanyeol.”

 

_Chanyeol._

 

The name made Jongin’s whole entire spirit ache. He hadn’t heard it since the day he told Baekhyun everything. He felt his heart give and his legs get weak. He missed Chanyeol, _badly_. It wasn’t very long that he had been away from home but it was long enough. The days mixed into oceans of liquor and little pills. He spent most of his time high or drunk with Baekhyun on his couch suffocating in his kiss. He never thought about how he felt because his mind was lost in another universe that Chanyeol didn’t exist in.

 

The syllables of his name made Jongin wail. He was in physical and emotional pain. Play was no longer as enjoyable as it had been. The thought of Baekhyun’s tongue and the way he missed Chanyeol’s kiss; his soft lips and his warm embrace.

 

_No. That wasn’t it. Stop._

 

“Stop! Red! Please, stop.”

 

Jongin’s knees gave as he felt the softness of the carpet. Suho jumped to release him and cradled his fragile body wiping the tears that were flowing from his eyes. He sobbed into Suho’s chest clutching his shirt for dear life.

 

“I’m here. It’s okay. You’re such a good boy, Velours. You did well. I’m here.”

 

Suho pulled the velvet away from Jongin’s wrists and eyes. He ran his fingers through Jongin’s hair as he continued to cry into his chest. Jongin draped his arms over Suho’s shoulders and pulled himself to land on his shoulder.

 

“I miss him. I fucking miss him so much. I want to see him so bad. I can’t even hear his name, it sends me into fits and makes my whole body feel like it's being drowned. Every time I think about him it’s like a dagger is shoved into my heart. I love him. I love him.”

 

Before he could even stand, Suho picked Jongin up and carried him to the other side of the room, pulling down the bed with one hand. It settled on the floor and Jongin curled up in the soft fabrics Suho wrapped around him. He looked at Jongin in the face and furrowed his brows.

 

“All it takes is one phone call, Jongin. I can make that happen.”

 

“Would he even come?”

 

The bed dipped as Suho pulled Jongin into his shoulder. Jongin just continued to cry and glance up at Suho every other moment. He could tell that Suho felt bad, not just for the intense scene, but that he was so emotionally distraught over Chanyeol.

 

“Let me make some calls. Give it time. It won’t happen overnight, my love, but I’ll do anything to make you happy again,” Suho stroked Jongin’s cheek until he settled down and buried his face in the blankets.

 

“Will you hold me just a little longer? I really liked the flogger but I feel weak and maybe a little insecure.”

 

“Of course. Let me get you some water and I’ll settle you in for the night. I’ll see if Licorne can install the aerials tomorrow if we have an extra set in storage. You need to relieve some stress. Does that sound good, my love?”

 

Jongin let his hands fall to Suho’s waist and hugged him for a while longer before he answered nodding his head. He smiled when Suho smiled back and kissed his forehead. He stood and Jongin watched him pull water from the closet and put it on the table near the wall. Jongin chugged half a bottle before Suho grabbed more blankets. A soft knock came from the door and then a head popped in.

 

“Hey there.”

 

Baekhyun closed the door behind him with his foot as he hauled in a box. He set it down at the edge of the bed before crawling in next to Jongin, holding him tight against his chest. Suho fluffed a pillow and set it under Jongin before looking at the box.

 

“What’s that, my love?”

 

“The aerials. Um, L-Licorne sent them.”

 

Baekhyun stumbled over the name and Suho closed his eyes turning away from them. It made Jongin very curious as to why Baekhyun looked smug and Suho looked embarrassed.

 

“Just who is Licorne? You guys have talked about him, but who is he?”

 

Jongin turned in Baekhyun’s embrace and felt a kiss to his temple, then Baekhyun looked up at Suho, “He is another dancer here and Suho’s favorite except Suho refuses to acknowledge that a fine piece of ass like him would like a guy well, like Suho.”

 

Jongin laughed as Suho reached across him and popped Baekhyun square on the ass. He took a deep breath and sighed. Jongin recognized that sigh.

 

“You will kindly stop talking about him before I throw you on the cross and divvy some punishment,” Suho rolled his eyes and sighed yet again, “Outside of scene you can call me Junmyeon. No one likes a soft, quiet workaholic like Junmyeon.”

 

Before Jongin could ask more Baekhyun retorted, sticking his tongue out and receiving yet another smack on his ass, “Yixing does.”

 

“Put it back in your mouth before I rip it out and feed it to you.”

 

Junmyeon’s eyes got dark and Jongin realized it was easy to tell the difference between caring, compassionate Junmyeon and Suho, master of the dungeon. Jongin stretched just a bit feeling some burn to his back as Baekhyun laid on his chest.

 

“Yixing understands where you are coming from,” He shot Junmyeon a look and he grimaced casting his gaze to the floor, “He understands what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love you in return. Aerials are also his stress relief, _and_ whether he likes to admit it or not, Junmyeon loves when he performs.”

 

“I’m sure you don’t want to be strung up today what with you being already black and blue from punishment yesterday? Hmm? Do you want another round before your bruises heal? Should I put you on the cross for a Florentine session?”

 

Junmyeon left the building and Suho returned with a fierce look and forceful eyes. His whole stature was wide and angry. Jongin couldn’t help but laugh at them squabbling before Baekhyun rose up and faced him.

 

“Are you going to use the rubber flogger this time, Suho? Do you want to bleed me, want to _really_ make me hurt?” Baekhyun pushed up to his knees and Jongin realized that Baekhyun was exactly what he expected.

 

A brat. Baekhyun was a brat.

 

Jongin sat surprised in the next moment when Suho grabbed Baekhyun’s face and leaned into to nose as his cheek and kiss his lips. It was intimate and it made Jongin wonder just how close they were. Just because Jongin wasn’t sexual with him, didn't mean Baekhyun was the same. The smiles exchanged were dark and sensual, and Jongin didn’t have the heart to tell them he was still in the room. They laughed and Baekhyun tossed his head back watching Junmyeon’s face soften. He was back to normal.

 

“You are such a fucking brat you know that? I wish you would stop. I don’t want to date him because we work together. I actually really do like Yixing a lot.”

 

Junmyeon deflated and Jongin watched as he heaved a sigh and started wringing his hands. He laid on the bed and both Jongin and Baekhyun moved to place themselves on either side of his chest. Baekhyun pouted and Jongin thought it was cute how Junmyeon automatically kissed his head and played with his hair.

 

“Oh, so you do like him. You’re just afraid to date him because he’s on the payroll.”

 

“Exactly. He’s beautiful and talented, but I don’t want it to interfere with scene and work. He won’t let anyone Dom him and prefers just to dance,” Junmyeon sighed for the umpteenth time and Jongin realized he knew that feeling very well. Junmyeon didn’t just _like_ Yixing.

 

“Junmyeon, you know, I think you need to be more honest with yourself here. You don’t just really like him, do you?”

 

“I know, I know. You help me, I’ll help you?”

 

Knowing glances were exchanged between Junmyeon and Jongin, and he thought it was fair enough. He promised to help find Chanyeol and bring him to the club. He should at least help Junmyeon, returning the favor. Baekhyun popped his head up and licked his lips, grinning deviously.

 

“I want in.”

 

Junmyeon turned his head and smiled, “Call him, you know who,“ He glanced back over at Jongin and sighed, holding Jongin just a little tighter.

 

“Tell him that you found Jongin but that he should wait a while before trying to contact him. Give him the excuse that Jongin needs more time, more space. Let Taemin know too. This is difficult enough, Jongin, don’t let your family worry about you. Also, do not tell anyone where Jongin is, yet. We need to do this carefully.”

 

Jongin and Baekhyun nodded to Junmyeon who kissed them each on the temple. Baekhyun pulled out his phone and walked out knowing that Jongin wouldn’t be able to stand the sound of Chanyeol’s voice. Junmyeon pulled Jongin on top of him raking his hand through his soft brown hair.

 

“I have an idea. How do you feel about coloring your hair?”

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

“How do you feel about going lighter, Ponyboy.”

 

“Let’s do it.” _Blonde it was then._

 

Jongin sat up and nodded as Junmyeon smirked into his chest. They sat for a moment longer before Jongin curled up into bed alone. He received a goodnight kiss from Baekhyun before he left for the night. The last thought that entered his mind was how different he would look and how maybe no one would recognize him. He shrugged before letting his sleep take him to faraway places. Places that people like Junmyeon and Baekhyun existed and Chanyeol had the chance to love him properly without hesitation.


	3. Of Breaking Down and Building Up

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

“I still can’t get used to it.”

 

Jongin ran his fingers through his platinum hair as Kyungsoo stood to his left. It had been nearly three weeks since Jongin had colored his hair, and even longer since he left home. Kyungsoo was the first to ask about meeting Jongin. He indulged his request so long as he didn’t tell Chanyeol. Kyungsoo mentioned that they were good friends now because of Taemin.

 

“It’s almost unusual to picture you any other way, Jongin.”

 

Kyungsoo smiled and somehow it still made Jongin melt. The familiar heart shape made Jongin feel comfortable, more like he was back home. His face softened and Jongin knew he was about to say something that might make him ache.

 

“You know, he asks about you almost every day.”

 

“He does? I miss him so much,” Jongin sighed before sliding his colored lenses into his eyes as Baekhyun had requested he try, “What do you think? Do they look good?”

 

“Holy shit. You with blue eyes is kind of hot.”

 

Kyungsoo slid his finger down Jongin’s chest and winked. Jongin just laughed pulling his hands away and smacking Kyungsoo for his comment. They had fallen into a comfortable friendship after he visited several times. No longer interested in a relationship with Jongin, they quickly became best friends like he and Baekhyun were except without the drugs and kissing.

 

Instead, they spent a lot of Jongin’s downtime cuddled up watching movies and reading books. It was truly helpful to Jongin and his well-being. He no longer did as many drugs and his alcohol consumption almost diminished. Although, Baekhyun still wanted to take shots before and after every shift with all his co-workers.

 

“Can I stay for the performance tonight?” Kyungsoo pushed himself off the counter before adjusting his pants and looking up at Jongin inquisitively.

 

“Do you really want to? I mean, I don’t really know if you’re into this sort of thing, but you’re more than welcome to stay and watch.”

 

Jongin fixed the button on his sleeve and then looked himself over in the mirror deep in thought. He had never told Kyungsoo or anyone else what he really did at the club besides dance. They were vaguely aware that ‘Le Petite Mort’ wasn’t a normal club, but they never spoke about the BDSM aspects.

 

“I want to see you perform. This black on black looks amazing on you,” Kyungsoo lifted his hands and hesitantly helped Jongin fold his collar down and button the rest of his shirt. They shared a small moment before Jongin smiled feeling nostalgic.

 

“Okay, just... keep it to yourself? That’s always been our agreement. You can come around, hang out even, but if you watch me tonight you can’t tell Tae or -”

 

Jongin bit down on his lip and felt his emotions taking over. He swallowed his despair like the bitter pill it was. No matter how much time had passed saying his name was still a difficult chore and Jongin couldn’t make it come from his lips without wanting to choke on it.

 

“You know I’ll never betray our secrecy,” Kyungsoo gave Jongin a kiss on the forehead and smiled, running his hands up and down his arms, “Knock ‘em dead.”

 

As Jongin walked to the stage area, Kyungsoo followed behind and sat in the back near Junmyeon. He was dressed to the nines and sipping on whiskey. The black velvet had been taken down and put in Jongin’s room and was replaced with pure white silk aerials. Baekhyun adjusted the lights before walking down to meet Jongin stage right.

 

“You look good,” Baekhyun shimmied his shoulders and threw a wink at Jongin. He placed his arms around Jongin’s waist and smiled.

 

“Your idea, Oh devoted one.”

 

They stayed in each other’s arms for a moment before Baekhyun helped Jongin with the rest of his props; a black lace blindfold and black ballet flats.

 

“Really though, are you okay with Soo just...watching? I mean did you tell him the part about you sceneing tonight?”

 

“Well, I might have left that last part out, but also I don't’ think he’ll say anything. He needs to see this to understand why I’m here, why I need this to stay grounded. I think it will be fine.”

 

Jongin sat down and slipped on the ballet flats. Baekhyun furrowed his brow as Jongin tried to pirouette, and failed. He pulled a box from backstage and handed it over to Jongin smiling wide.

 

“Those aren’t going to work. Merry Christmas.”

 

“Oh gosh, how will I ever repay you for your kindness your worshipfulness -”

 

Jongin exaggerated his words as he tossed the flats aside and opened the box. He sat stunned pulling the box to his chest and looking up at Baekhyun. He let his fingers graze the soft fabric and wanted to break down into tears. A little piece of him felt warm inside as it started to heal itself. In the box was Jongin’s favorite pair of pointe shoes that he left behind when he ran away. Black and covered in velvet, he buried them in the closet along with everything else he couldn't take that meant the world to him. They were well broken in but still in excellent condition. He slid them onto his feet like he would gloves on his hands.

 

“Baek, you shouldn’t have.”

 

“I know how important these are to you. With Kyungsoo’s help, we procured them and brought them here for your first scene on stage.”

 

“Thank you...for everything.”

 

Jongin flailed his arms draping them over Baekhyun’s shoulders pulling him into a tight hug. They kissed for a moment before he pulled back and took a deep breath. Baekhyun winked before slipping backstage.

 

“Knock ‘em dead, Velours.”

 

As Jongin took center stage all of the lights dimmed, a single spotlight left shone down on him. The white silk was a sharp contrast to his black outfit and bronze skin. He rolled his head back, swaying to the soft music. He let it take over as he began his performance. All of Jongin’s performances as Velours were free-form. Junmyeon had arranged it that way because it came with more raw emotion than a choreographed stage.

 

The silk flowed around Jongin as he pulled himself and the ropes toward the back of the stage. He spun them over a few times in his hands and around his wrist, then sprinted flinging himself up and over into a split. He wrapped the silks tight before letting go and then pulling his body above his legs to spread upright, the silk tightly wrapped around his thighs. He brought his legs together before opening his arms wide to fall back toward the floor, only to pick himself back up.

 

Another layer wrapped around his wrists as he rolled his body back and forth, then he laid himself flat. The soft silk flowing to the floor only added to the dark allure of Jongin's body as it spun in slow circles. He sighed then let himself drop fully to the floor only to stand on his hands wrapping the silk around the shoes and his calves. He slowly lifted one hand and pulled himself up winding the silk tight into his hand. He did the same with his other hand, rolling his body until it was centered.

 

Jongin was suspended in the style of a St. Andrew’s Cross, white silk against his dark figure.

 

There was a quiet ‘excuse me’ and then Jongin waited patiently settling himself into the silks more, his feet barely touching the ground. Junmyeon, now slipping into his own persona, joined him on the stage. He walked close to Jongin and spoke in a hushed whisper.

 

“Are you sure you want to do this Velours? We can end your stage here and now,” Suho ran his hand down Velours’s spine and then back up making him shiver. It did every single time, and Velours thought more and more how another pair of hands would set his back on fire in more ways than one.

 

“Yellow to slow down, red to stop. He needs to see this.”

 

Velours swayed a bit adjusting his body in the silks before Suho took a step back unzipping the lines of Velours’s shirt. It fell to the floor around him as his skin glistened with sweat and makeup.

 

“As you wish, Velours.”

 

Suho ran a towel across Velours’s back and then spun him to face the back of the stage. He looked up and grinned as Baekhyun pulled the locking mechanism on the silk’s pulley system. Velours closed his eyes as the red of Suho’s shirt disappeared behind him.

 

Velours knew what he was getting himself into being flogged on stage in front of the whole club. A scene on stage was different than scene behind closed doors. The thrill of Kyungsoo and everyone else watching him made him excited and aroused. He knew Suho would give his explanation to the masses and then begin. He waited patiently for Suho’s magic words that gave away the beginning of his scene.

 

“Shall we?” Suho looked around at Velours’s face and ran the flogger through his hands, the same suede they used his first time. After that night Suho made sure to use it often so that he wouldn’t have bad memories or psychological problems from the scene. Velours grew to love the effects it had on him.

 

The first lick of the flogger was like a flame across his backside. The only reprieve was his tight pants. The second, white hot and then smooth like marble as the pleasure started to rise in Velours. A groan escaped his lips as the third left its mark on the right side of his back. Four, five, and six alternated sides as his cock throbbed in his pants. Seven, eight, and nine made him yelp and then keen as he got dizzier with arousal. He could feel himself leaking into the pleather pants he was wearing. He loved how everyone was watching him break apart.

 

Ten was Suho’s favorite number and Velours knew it would be his most powerful strike. He only caught a glimpse of the flogger as it was reared back behind Suho and then brought down to make contact with his right side. Velours screamed, feeling himself about to unravel - from the silk and an orgasm.

 

He wasn’t going to though, not in front of a crowd. He would take care of that alone later in his room.

 

Suho’s hand ran up and down Velours’s back as he kissed it softly, “You did very well Velours, so good and I think Kyungsoo might honestly like it here.”

 

With the help of Suho, Jongin released the silks and picked up his shirt. He bowed a little and then walked off stage to Baekhyun. He met them with aftercare products and water. Suho rubbed the cooling gel into the raw skin as Baekhyun helped Jongin drink water.

 

“Go talk to him now. He looks like he has a lot to say.”

 

Baekhyun smiled and smacked Jongin playfully on the ass. He had to prepare for his own stage, so Jongin wished him luck and walked offstage to meet Kyungsoo. They met halfway, Kyungsoo holding another glass of water. He had a glint in his eyes that was unfamiliar to Jongin.

 

“We need to talk. I think I should tell you some things,” Kyungsoo moved Jongin to sit down in a chair and then moved his own chair closer. He swallowed hard and looked at Jongin with all seriousness, “Someone that is not me, but also me, is very into this type of scene and has only gotten deeper since you left.”

 

The thought bounced around in Jongin’s head before he realized just who Kyungsoo was talking about. He was talking about Chanyeol.

 

“He’s not like you though. You like to take the punishment, whereas he prefers to give it.”

 

Kyungsoo stared at a blank-faced Jongin before he snapped. Chanyeol was participating in BDSM scenes with another person or people. He was not like Jongin. He was a Dom whereas Jongin was a Submissive. He would rather get whipped than do the whipping. Jongin pushed his white hair back and heaved a large sigh.

 

“Are-Are you serious right now?”

 

“Yes, very. He doesn’t do anything with anyone but me, but we never knew a club like this existed.”

 

Kyungsoo kept his eyes on Jongin as his look changed from serious to questioning. Jongin was stunned to find out that Chanyeol and Kyungsoo scened, together.

 

“You scene? You’re a Submissive? I always thought you might be Dominant.”

 

Jongin smirked at the thought of Kyungsoo punishing him. It made his cock twitch in his pants as he was reminded he was still half-hard and wanting.

 

“Honestly? I’m a switch, but _he_ won't let me punish him. I’ve punished Taemin before though.”

 

“Okay, no. I didn’t need to know that. TMI. Are you guys sexual? Wait. Don’t answer that.”

 

Jongin felt good as they laughed but the thought of Taemin strung up and whipped made him cringe. Kyungsoo assured Jongin that he and Chanyeol were never sexual. It never even got close as Chanyeol sometimes became emotional during scenes. Kyungsoo’s face became hard and Jongin put two and two together before he could ever speak.

 

“I want to bring him here.”

 

“No.”

 

Jongin snapped knowing the who in that statement. Kyungsoo meant he wanted to bring Chanyeol to the club. He felt a warm hand in his lap and almost deflated, but he had been too strong at the club. He didn’t want to become weak at the first mention of seeing Chanyeol.

 

“Look, I understand this is like your home, but you’ve been gone long enough. He’s starting to get out of control. While you’ve mostly put yourself back together, quitting the drugs and most of the drinking, all he does is drink. He’s losing his control. It’s slipping from his grasp the longer you’re away from him. He doesn’t even recognize himself, no one does, and he sure as hell wouldn’t recognize you like this with the blindfold on.”

 

Kyungsoo squeezed Jongin’s thigh and he sighed. He wasn’t sure what to do. He knew that if he let Chanyeol lose his grip on life, he could seriously hurt someone or himself but if he came to the club he could hurt Jongin in more ways than one. Jongin knew he would shatter like glass unless he was either under the influence or someone gave him the pep talk of his life.

 

“Talk to Junmyeon. If he thinks it’s a good idea, you can plan with him and Baekhyun. I don’t want any part of it.”

 

Jongin stood and dismissed himself from the table. He could feel his emotions bubbling up to the surface. The thought of Chanyeol strapping him down and whipping him thrilled Jongin to the end of the Earth, but Jongin was still hopelessly in love and weak for Chanyeol. He would break and crumble at even the softest of touches, maybe even the shortest of gazes. He was emotional as he walked into his room closing and locking the door behind him.

 

Emotional with a boner meant jacking off to the thought of Chanyeol whipping and then fucking him into the St. Andrew’s Cross.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

Another week passed before Junmyeon cornered Jongin and asked him to come to his office. When he got there he was shoved into a chair, circled by his friends. Everyone was there; Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and even Taemin were piled into Junmyeon’s tiny office. Junmyeon looked an awful lot like he was slipping into Suho the way he was twisting the small riding crop in his hand, leaning back in his chair.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

Taemin folded his arms and bit down on his lip. Everyone looked somewhat uncomfortable and uneasy. Kyungsoo pushed himself off the cabinet and Jongin stood hesitantly.

 

“We’re bringing him here.”

 

“I said I didn’t want to fucking know!”

 

Jongin yelled and Baekhyun pushed him back down into the chair, rubbing his shoulders. Junmyeon stared into Jongin’s eyes as he realized what might be going on in his head.

 

“Your pain threshold...how is it?”

 

“It’s high and you know that.”

 

Jongin grit his teeth and grimaced at Junmyeon. He smacked the crop in his hand as a warning. Jongin knew where this was headed. Everyone was going to convince him to let Chanyeol come to the club, but not just to watch and enjoy himself.

 

“We need you to help us,” Taemin pulled his teeth away from his lower lip and then took a step closer with Kyungsoo holding onto his waist.

 

“He’s out of control, Jongin. He’s ignoring safe words and his swings are turning uncharacteristically savage. He needs someone with a higher pain tolerance who can possibly help him get whatever it is out of him.”

 

Kyungsoo winced as he rubbed his arms. Jongin felt a bit of remorse for yelling at everyone. If Kyungsoo was in actual pain from improper play, Jongin felt like maybe he did need to step in.

 

“There is no way he would agree to this so he must not know that you’re asking me, of all people, to take a scene with an uncontrollable Dom, much less a scene with...a scene with Chanyeol.”

 

The name came out of his mouth and tasted like sugar and venom. Jongin looked at everyone in the room who all hung their heads in shame except for Junmyeon and Baekhyun. Junmyeon’s gaze narrowed, a smirk playing on his face as he sat up straight in his chair. This was Suho.

 

“If I gave you an order as your only acting Dom to take this punishment would you refuse, disobey me, and receive worse anyway?”

 

The riding crop came down again in Suho’s hand as he looked at Jongin with a dark smile on his face. His hand had already been getting heavier but not near what Jongin could really handle. Jongin swallowed hard and pursed his lips. He knew he could, and would accept but, there needed to be some rules.

 

“I’ll agree on some conditions. There can be sexual contact, but no kissing. He’ll...He’ll-” Jongin hung his head and took a deep breath. This was becoming a bit more than he could handle. He touched his lips and remembered the passion between him and Chanyeol, the love behind their kisses, “He’ll know it's me.”

 

“As you wish, my love.”

 

The softness returned and so did Junmyeon. He set the crop down and handed over some paperwork for Jongin to sign. Mostly things that involved heavier scenes and permissions, along with a consent form for sexual contact during play. Baekhyun squeezed Jongin’s shoulders and leaned down kissing his neck and ears.

 

“Do you want to be high?”

 

“No,” Jongin turned around and kissed Baekhyun full on the lips, “No, Baekhyun. I need to feel this.”

 

Drugs were kind of Baekhyun’s thing but the more Jongin thought about it, the more he really did need to feel every single hit Chanyeol gave him. He needed to know it was real and that Chanyeol was there. He was the only thing that Jongin wanted besides Baekhyun. There was something special about him but Jongin didn’t know what it was. He was a comfort that Jongin got used to having when Chanyeol wasn’t there.

 

“Anything goes as well,” Jongin looked back to Junmyeon who looked up from his computer confused, “The floggers, the paddles, whatever instruments he prefers. He can even bring his own, but I have everything he needs. There is only one thing I want to request.”

 

Jongin looked Junmyeon directly in the eyes and lifted his head. It was the only time that Jongin felt like he could show dominance over his situation, “I need you to set up more cameras so that if he ignores my safeword someone can intervene, restrain him, and take me down.”

 

Junmyeon nodded and everyone else agreed. Kyungsoo visibly relaxed and pulled Taemin closer to him. Baekhyun held onto Jongin’s shoulders as he felt the emotions taking over. He held back his tears as they finished up the impromptu meeting and Junmyeon finished the paperwork.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

Over the next week, Junmyeon did as Jongin asked. He installed more cameras in the building linking them to the already installed security system. They weren’t visible to anyone else but the person watching and Jongin who looked for them every day. They all agreed that Yixing would watch the camera and alert Junmyeon if anything happened.

 

Junmyeon also helped Jongin prepare for more severe punishments. Every other day they worked up to harder and harder contact. The lashings left Jongin barely bruised and painfully aroused. He never once thought he would be this turned on by pain. Every time Jongin touched himself it was to the thought of Chanyeol and he sobbed after, longing to be with him. He knew he had to get it together, though. On the last day before Chanyeol would arrive, Kyungsoo pulled Jongin aside.

 

“I have a request,” Kyungsoo smiled and handed Jongin a bag, “This. I had this made for you. Will you wear it tomorrow night?”

 

Jongin paused before Kyungsoo hugged him and walked away. He found himself walking back to his room absentmindedly and setting the bag on his bed. Jongin took a deep breath and opened it. Inside was a costume with a huge color difference to all of his other costumes. Where they were black, this one was white.

 

The white pants had long zippers on the side and Jongin figured it was to get them off faster. The shirt also had several zippers and resembled more of a straight jacket than an actual shirt. The last thing that fell out was a thick, white lace blindfold with black velvet ribbon to tie it off.

 

Jongin imagined himself floating and suspended from the black velvet aerials in his room with the white costume on. Chanyeol would be watching as he danced and wound himself up tight, the outfit against his skin and the blindfold around his eyes leaving him wondering who Velours really was. Jongin threw the blindfold down on the bed and ran to Junmyeon’s office.

 

He burst through the door and watched as Yixing shifted uncomfortably in the chair, Junmyeon sitting on the desk in front of him. Junmyeon lifted his gaze up curiously looking Jongin over.

 

“I want him in my room and not the staging area,” Jongin huffed as Yixing rose from the seat and turned around.

 

“Why is that, my love?” Junmyeon flashed a smiled of interest and licked his lips. Jongin didn’t miss the grazing of fingers and Yixing playing with the hem of Junmyeon’s shirt.

 

“Kyungsoo gave me the outfit and I want to perform privately…on the velvet.”

 

Jongin let the words slip off his tongue and Junmyeon cackled deliciously evil. He expected it, Jongin thought, as he watched Junmyeon smirk, “As you wish. He’ll be here tomorrow afternoon. Center yourself. Oh, and eat a damn good meal before he gets here. I have a feeling you’ll be strung up for a while.” Junmyeon motioned to the door with his crop and Jongin took the hint as Yixing moved between Junmyeon’s legs.

 

Jongin sat in his room and meditated. He knew it was going to be an emotional experience for him but he couldn't let it all get in the way. Chanyeol needed help and Jongin wanted very badly to see him and to help him. He couldn't deny the thoughts. A challenging punishment thrilled him and the fact that it was at Chanyeol’s hands made it even better. No matter how much time or distance he put between himself and Chanyeol, Jongin trusted him with his life and more. Whether he knew it was actually him behind the mask didn’t matter. Jongin would lay everything down for Chanyeol, and then some.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

The next day everyone came together for an early dinner around three in the afternoon. Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Taemin started to discuss everything when Baekhyun joined them leaning into Jongin’s shoulder.

 

“Here’s how this is going to go down: You are going to eat everything here. We’re going to leave and bring him back around six. You need to eat something else around five. Like Junmyeon said, you might be strung up for a while. You need your strength.”

 

Kyungsoo took a sip of his drink before taking a deep breath. He looked at Jongin and Taemin before they gave him a nod back to proceed again, “When he gets here he might be a few drinks in. He’s taken to drinking a lot lately. Baekhyun will take care of him for you. He’ll bring him to your room when you’re ready. The only way he’ll come with us is if he’s downed liquid courage. Also, he knows. He knows we’re taking him to a club to meet a dancer, but he has no idea it’s you. We told him that we found someone willing to take the punishments he gives out.”

 

“This is all up to you, but I knew you wouldn’t turn down helping him. There is only one small, tiny thing that I need to make sure of before you go in there that Junmyeon asked me to talk about with you,” Taemin swallowed hard and set a hand on Jongin’s shoulder. He trembled because he was very sure of what Taemin was about to say, “How do you feel about being bled?”

 

Jongin's eyes grew wide as he imagined just how hard Chanyeol would have to strike him to break the skin. He had never thought about that or gotten that far with Suho. He was a powerful Dom but his strength was lacking when it came to whipping and flogging. He could lay down punishments just fine, but Jongin could never imagine him breaking the skin.

 

“I haven’t been able to get that far with Suho. He isn’t strong enough,” Jongin looked down and then back up to a smirking Baekhyun. He was well aware of what type of things Jongin liked and knew that he would possibly agree.

 

“So you want that, is what you’re hinting at?”

 

Jongin stared Baekhyun straight in the eyes as he fluttered his lashes and ghosted a kiss over his neck, “The simple answer is yes.”

 

“I figured you would say that,” Junmyeon set a hand on Jongin’s head and scratched lightly putting a paper in front of his face,” I need you to sign this my love. It may not happen at all but I need to have paperwork on file that says you agreed to extremes.”

 

With the full knowledge of what the paper meant, Jongin signed it without hesitation. There would be no limits, only safe words, and trust. Chanyeol would be allowed to break his skin, even though there was a possibility of it not even happening. Jongin hoped that he could put all of his trust in Chanyeol like he had done before and he wouldn’t have to throw in the red card. Jongin finished his meal, said goodbye to his friends, and prepared for the long night ahead of him.


	4. Of Old Faces and New Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
>  **
> 
>   
> **warning** : this is the chapter that has improper BDSM. i was as careful as i possibly could be. don't worry, he doesn't stay hurt, nor is it as bad as you think. if you can't read it then please don't force yourself, but give it a chance before you turn away.  
> 

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

It was easy to slip into the persona of Velours. Jongin carefully put the costume on and took a shot with Baekhyun to ease his nerves. It had been so long since he had seen Chanyeol, and to be fair Chanyeol was in the same situation. He had probably changed since the last time Jongin had seen him. It felt like ages.

 

Jongin slid the blindfold through his fingers and tied it off behind his head. The fabric felt amazing against his skin. He could clearly see through the pattern, but he made sure that no one could see his dark eyes staring back.

 

As he slid across the floor on the velvet ropes, Jongin decided not to wear ballet shoes or any shoes at all. He pulled himself up and spun a few times adjusting the costume when he met the floor. The zippers caught the velvet a few times so he unzipped them leaving him sleeveless and free to move. Again, he spun the velvet around his arms and this time the fabric felt much better dragging across his skin, like running water or dripping honey.

 

It wasn’t long before Junmyeon brought Jongin protein bars and a smoothie. He explained it would leave him feeling a bit fuller longer than eating a whole meal. Jongin took one more shot before Baekhyun disappeared. His nerves were gone as he completely slipped into the sensual persona he loved. Jongin let Velours take over as Baekhyun returned lightly tapping on the door.

 

“I have your appointment, Velours.”

 

When Baekhyun stepped inside Jongin noticed he had also slipped into his persona. He had his silver hair pushed back and gray lenses in. He kissed Jongin’s cheek and draped his arms over his shoulders caressing down Jongin’s chest.

 

“Thank you, Ange.”

 

“I hope you know what you’re doing.”

 

Velours watched as Ange left and Chanyeol entered the room. When he looked up, Velours nearly choked. Chanyeol had changed quite a bit. He grew only slightly taller and had filled out... _a lot_. His hair was pushed back on both sides and colored a bright red. He was in black slacks and white button down, his dress shoes reflecting the soft light in his room. Velours looked around and wondered if he truly did know what he was doing and if he should call Ange back.

 

Chanyeol lingered around the velvet ropes, softly pulling the fabric between his fingers and then releasing it. It made Velours smile. Chanyeol still seemed so soft and innocent even though he kept that to himself.

 

“Do you know why I’m here?” The whisper barely filled the quiet room as Velours watched Chanyeol walk to the wall of instruments and run his fingers across each one.

 

“You need a Sub that can handle your heavy scenes,” Velours stepped to the aerials and suspended himself halfway splitting his legs and pushing his hands between them. He spun slowly as Chanyeol watched with a hunger in his eyes. Velours had seen this look many times before but this time there were other emotions swimming in his eyes, mostly longing and a little despair.

 

“What are your rules?”

 

Velours released himself to the floor and swung from the bottom of the ropes doing a flip. He watched as Chanyeol returned his gaze to the wall and picked up the rubber flogger, spinning it in his hands a few time and cracking it above his head.

 

“Simple: No kissing.”

 

Chanyeol chuckled and cracked the flogger above his head a second time then examined it in his hands, “That’s it? I can spank you, flog you, whip you. I can even touch you...but I can’t kiss you?”

 

“That’s it.”

 

Velours stepped away from the aerials and gazed up at Chanyeol. He saw the pain in his face, the way his eyes looked heavy and the tears gathering in the corners. He had no idea what he was doing anymore. The liquor, and who knows what else, giving him no control over his own life or emotions. Jongin decided to help him fix that as Velours. Both of them remaining anonymous until they got the courage to talk later on. Chanyeol turned and looked down with dark eyes undoing the top button of his shirt and taking a deep breath.

 

“Safe words?”

 

Velours moved back to the silk ropes and spun himself around a few times, “Yellow to slow down, red to stop. Are you going to ignore them?”

 

“No. I’ve already been informed that if I ignore them they’ll escort me off the premises. Can I remove your shirt?”

 

Chanyeol took a step and Velours release himself from the velvet. He was hesitant at first but Chanyeol seemed desperate for touch the way he set the flogger down and trembled reaching for his shirt. Velours sat nervously panting as Chanyeol slowly unzipped the shirt and pushed it off Velours’s shoulders. Chanyeol leaned over and started kissing down his neck and for a moment he slipped from the persona wanting to lean into the touch and hold Chanyeol like they used to. But he steeled himself and felt Chanyeol turn him slowly back toward the aerials.

 

Carefully wrapping his wrists in the velvet, Velours suspended himself much in the same way he did on the stage, into a cross-like shape spread wide and open. Chanyeol rolled up his sleeves and showed off his toned forearms. He picked the flogger back up and spun it in in the air making Velours shiver with anticipation.

 

“I’ve been told I don’t need to explain what I use because these are your playthings, but that I do need to let you choose your numbers.”

 

“Five, then ten, then five again. Don’t go overboard just yet. This is our first scene. If it goes well, I’ll let you continue.”

 

Velours sighed feeling Chanyeol’s hand on his back and the flogger softly trailing down the other side. It had been so long since Chanyeol touched him, he thought he was going to lose it. There were still so many emotions in his mind and Chanyeol’s gentle touch brought them all to the forefront.

 

“Very well. I’m going to begin,” Chanyeol placed a soft kiss on Velours spine and he moaned quietly aching for more. His lips felt exactly the same, except they didn't have his love laced into them, the love that he was so used to feeling.

 

Chanyeol was much more powerful than Suho could ever be. His strikes came down like lighting and blue flames across a tar pit of lava inside an erupting volcano. Each of the five warmups felt like Suho’s strongest lashings. Velours could feel himself rising much quicker than before. It was the fastest he got aroused by a flogging since he had begun with Suho. Each powerful blow landing to his skin leaving a mark and then pulsating through his aching cock.

 

It was also the first time for someone to touch him intimately during play. Chanyeol pressed himself against Velours’s backside and palmed him through the white fabric stretching across his length. He moaned rocking back and canting his hips sliding across Chanyeol’s palm.

 

“Such a good boy. You’re the first to make it through my warm-ups. Let’s see if you can take the rest. Count them out,” Chanyeol let his hand linger a little longer concentrating pressure on the head before removing the white pants. They fell to the ground as he pulled the zippers all the way down. He threw them across the room where the matching shirt laid.

 

Each strike after was much more powerful than the one before it. An inferno of pleasure built in Velours’s stomach as every blow made him keen. He had only made it to five when a flash of white came across his peripheral. Chanyeol had taken off his shirt and was pressed against him again.

 

“Fuck, you’re so fucking good, taking this like the good boy you are,” Chanyeol moved to in front of Velours, panting and dripping sweat. His hair was completely disheveled as Chanyeol ran his hand through it, his muscles rippling as he let his hand fall. He was much more defined and the width of his shoulders made Velours gasp, “You see this? You’re doing it.”

 

Chanyeol groped his very obvious erection and threw his head back groaning. He took another step back behind Velours before cracking the flogger in the air as a warning. The whistle filled the air as the impact came down across Velours back. He cried out in ecstasy as the breeze caressed his skin. It felt different than before then he realized Chanyeol had broken a small area of skin.

 

“Fuck,” Velours realized it was a low whisper as his ears buzzed and grew hot, then Chanyeol reared back and came down with a yell, “Count!”

 

He was able to choke out six and seven between screaming in pleasure. He was glad that Suho had made him sign off. This was making him painfully aware he was very into extremes. Eight and nine held the same impact and were like bolts of electricity through his body. His was panting, leaking, and throbbing wanting more than one release. He wanted to drop the persona and yell out for Chanyeol to fuck him right there in the silks, and he was just as close to wanting to throw in the towel and kiss him.

 

Chanyeol wrapped a strong arm around his waist and hauled him up just a bit. He hadn’t realized he had slipped down from the silks. There were little drops of blood on his arm and Velous sighed in relief. He wasn’t actually bleeding badly at all, it only felt worse than it actually was. Chanyeol kissed across his shoulder and whispered into his ear. This time he leaned into it letting his head rest on Chanyeol’s shoulder.

 

“One more set. You’re such an amazing Sub. It’s very hard not to kiss you right now. You’re the first Sub I’ve ever bled and the first to ever be able to handle my heavy hand. No one else has lasted.”

 

The hand around Velours lingered just a bit before fingers grazed his skin and ran across his back. There wasn’t much that was keeping them both together. One more set and Velours could rest, and Jongin could break down.

 

He pulled the flogger back and Velours felt him use all of his strength. The whistle through the air was nothing compared to the shock to his skin. The loudest moan ripped through Velours lips as he felt himself barely holding his orgasm.

 

“Gods, you’re magnificent. I wanted to do this so badly with someone else. Someone I lo-” Chanyeol choked on the word and then his emotions came down with the next strike of the flogger. It was wild and furious. Each time he got more and more emotional, grunting and cracking the flogger to make contact with Velours’s skin. More time spanned between each hit as the came upon the fifth.

 

“Fuck!” Chanyeol screamed and then Velours felt the air gust across his back and the flogger’s tails came down like a tornado against his skin.

 

Velours wailed as it came down across his spine and split the skin. He was in severe pain as he gasped for what little air he could. He needed to regain enough strength to speak before Chanyeol brought the flogger down on him again.

 

“No, Chanyeol! Red!”

 

Jongin let himself fall from the silk and to the floor. His entire body was set aflame with pain. All the pleasure escaped as he cradled himself, crying into the blindfold. He let his fingers graze his back but was too afraid to try to feel for the gash across his spine. He just knew it had to be bad. He didn’t need to see it to know.

 

He looked up to see Chanyeol stunned immediately dropping the flogger and then himself beside Jongin. He cupped Jongin’s face, lifting his chin to meet his eyes. They were holding back so many tears as Jongin just let his go sobbing loudly.

 

His entire being was in pain. Finally, after so much time apart Chanyeol was holding him. Jongin’s face was in his hands and so was his trust. He trusted Chanyeol to handle him with care, but he broke him in more than one way. Jongin stayed looking into Chanyeol’s eyes as they looked him up and down. He realized what he said and that Chanyeol was searching for the right words. He was searching for traces of Jongin.

 

“What did you just call me?”

 

Jongin stayed silent as Chanyeol’s eyes grew wide at the broken smile Jongin gave. There were three things in the world that Chanyeol would immediately recognize; his eyes, his smile, and his kiss. Chanyeol pulled the knot away from the lace blindfold and let it fall to the ground. A quiet gasp left Chanyeol’s lips as his tears fell. Jongin watched the pain on his face when he realized who he had beaten, just who he had tortured with his raw emotions.

 

“Jongin,” Chanyeol’s voice trembled as his hands gripped his face tighter, “Why did you let me...Did you-”

 

Chanyeol immediately picked Jongin’s weak body up and carried him into the bathroom. Jongin clung to him like he had wanted to for so many lonely nights. He buried his face in Chanyeol’s chest smelling his cologne and wanting to stay there, never let him go ever again. Chanyeol helped Jongin remove his boxers before starting the water in the tub. Jongin stepped in carefully pulling his knees to his chest and turning so Chanyeol could clean his back.

 

“How long did you know it was me?”

 

Jongin stayed silent then hung his head in shame. He didn’t want to admit to Chanyeol he knew the whole time and that he knew he would probably receive what he just got. He knew that Chanyeol was out of control but he didn’t want anyone else to take care of him, to help him. Jongin would have done anything to bring Chanyeol to him, but he was self-destructive and stubborn. He thought he could live without Chanyeol but it turned out that he couldn’t. Every day was agony more so that the pain he felt that moment.

 

“The entire time.”

 

There was warm water flowing down Jongin’s back as he stayed quiet in the tub. He heard Chanyeol sigh before continuing to rinse his back. He knew that he didn’t just hurt himself running away, he hurt Chanyeol. He left him sleeping in his bed thinking he would be there the next morning and he wasn’t. Instead, Chanyeol woke up to an empty bed just like Jongin left with an empty heart. Neither of them knew how to love the other without being painfully selfish and vain.

 

“How long have you been here?”

 

Jongin turned around and saw Chanyeol white knuckling the washcloth in his hand, eyes closed. He was breathing heavily in anger and Jongin knew it wasn’t because he had hurt him. It was because Jongin didn’t trust him enough to tell him where he was while everyone else knew.

 

“Around the time I ran away.”

 

“Do you know how long I looked for you!? How many nights I screamed and cried myself to sleep because I missed you? Even Kyungsoo- Kyungsoo helped me all he could and...and it still wasn’t enough. It was nothing compared to the ache I felt when you weren’t there. It was nothing compared to how much I wanted to see you, wanted to kiss you, wanted to be with you. I waited days for you to come home, Jongin!” Chanyeol was in fits as he cried. He sat up on his knees then fell back to the floor deflated, “But you never- You never came home. You just...You just never came home.”

 

Jongin watched as his best friend and the love of his life fell apart. He unraveled into a sobbing mess. Jongin reached out and touched Chanyeol’s hand and it was all he could to stop himself from pulling Chanyeol into his embrace. His eyes were completely devastated and filled with sorrow as Jongin barely laced his fingers with Chanyeol’s.

 

“I love you, Jongin. Please don't...Please don’t reject me now. Please, please come home. Come home with me.”

 

Jongin braced himself as Chanyeol lifted up to his knees again and pulled Jongin to him. He hugged Jongin gently caressing his back and washing it off with the damp washcloth. Jongin just stayed buried in Chanyeol’s shoulder sobbing. He was exactly where he longed to be and even though it took longer, Chanyeol loved him and wanted to be with him. They needed to heal, but they could do it. _Together_.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

“I need to finish aftercare on you, then we need to talk. Gods, you should have never agreed to this. I hurt you,” Chanyeol softly ran his fingers up and down Jongin’s spine where the flesh had split open.

 

“There is a first-aid kit underneath my bed but if you think I need real medical attention, go out the door, turn toward the back corner of the hall, and tell Licorne to come down.”

 

Jongin sat back down in the tub and looked up to Chanyeol who gave his best smile. It was nothing compared to the dazzling show of teeth and dimple but it was a start and Jongin still felt his heart flutter. Chanyeol pressed a chaste kiss to Jongin’s forehead before standing.

 

“I’m going to get Licorne. Jongin, I missed you so much. I’m never letting you go now, never again. I was a fool before to not keep you for myself. Now, I’ll never let you feel like you’re not loved.”

 

Jongin watched as Chanyeol walked back into the room then heard the door. It was only a few moments before Licorne came into the room with a full first-aid kit and Junmyeon in tow.

 

“Hello, Chanyeol. Just call me Yixing. I need to address his wounds,” Yixing knelt on the side of the tub and examined Jongin with gloved hands, “Oh, this isn't bad at all. He won’t need stitches thankfully, but he will need full-time care for at least a week for it to heal properly. That means no play whatsoever unless it’s nowhere near your back.”

 

“If it’s okay, I’d like to stay here until he’s healed.”

 

Jongin stood and Chanyeol helped wrap a towel around him. He carefully stepped over the edge of the tub and let Yixing take a closer look. He suggested some liquid stitch and bandages. Jongin laid down on the bed as Yixing worked diligently to cover his back and fix the bandages so they didn’t cut off his circulation.

 

The white button-up shirt Chanyeol wore was draped over Jongin’s shoulders as he slowly put it on and slipped into a pair of clean boxers. Not much longer Baekhyun came in, nearly frantic, joining everyone in the room.

 

“Shh. He’ll be okay, Baekhyun,” Yixing carded a hand through Baekhyun’s hair as he curled into Jongin’s side like a puppy. He kissed all over Jongin’s back as he held onto him while Chanyeol spoke to Junmyeon.

 

“Are you going to kick me out now?”

 

“That’s not up to me anymore, but I have something to say,” Junmyeon put his arm around Yixing’s waist and kissed his cheek. Jongin knew that just as much as Junmyeon helped him, he had helped Junmyeon, “When you are healed, go home. Go see your family, spend time with Chanyeol. Get out of here and reassure them that you are okay and that I didn’t try to kill you.”

 

They all laughed together before Yixing kissed Junmyeon’s cheek and motioned toward the door. Jongin shook his head and smiled as everyone but Chanyeol left the room. It took Junmyeon prying Baekhyun’s hands and threatening him with being spanked to get him to leave. He only left when Chanyeol let him kiss Jongin goodbye and tell him to get better. He allowed it and Jongin melted into the bed with comfort.

 

Jongin felt the bed dip as Chanyeol tucked himself on the side of him and curled around him much in the same way Baekhyun did. He swallowed hard and placed his hand in Jongin’s, “I have something to say, too. I’m sorry for everything. I want you to come home. I made a promise to you, and I intend to keep it.”

 

“I know, ‘ _I swear to everything I have that one day I’ll make you mine_.’ I remember, but Chanyeol I’m still in pain and I’m the one who is afraid now. I’m afraid you’ll leave me. I ran away because you wouldn’t love me when I wanted to be loved, when I needed you to love me.”

 

“I’m stupid, Nini. I want to make you mine now. I don’t deserve you at all, but I would be grateful if you accepted me. I’ll work hard every day to prove to you that I love you, even if I have to do it for the rest of my life. I’d give you everything if it took away all of those unhappy memories.”

 

“I’m sorry I left. I put you in worse pain than you ever did to me, even the flogging. Every day was agony for me but I left knowing the consequences. You woke up to an empty bed and I bet an empty heart. I left you cold and alone, and I should never have done that. Please, forgive me Yeolie.”

 

Their hands got tighter as their emotions ran high and their tears flowed from their eyes. Jongin never once in his life doubted his love for Chanyeol, and now he no longer doubted Chanyeol’s love. He laid close enough for Jongin to feel his breath and the warmth of his tears. They stayed nose to nose gazing at one eye then the other. Looking back and forth between each other searching for answers to questions they didn’t want to ask, didn't need to ask. Jongin loved Chanyeol, and Chanyeol loved Jongin.

 

“Will you come home with me after you’ve recovered?”

 

“I will.”

 

They smiled through their tears and pulled their hands between their chests. Jongin watched Chanyeol’s eyes fall to his lips and he didn’t have to say anything at all. Chanyeol knew him like the back of his hand; like he knew his favorite color, like he knew day turned into night and night into day. He leaned in close and captured Jongin’s lips in the first kiss they had in what felt like an eternity. Jongin sobbed harder as Chanyeol kissed him over and over and over. He leaned back only for a moment to smile and wipe the saliva and snot from Jongin’s face and then pressed into his lips again. Their little gasps for air and quiet moans were the only sounds besides soft cries and sniffling.

 

Chanyeol carefully wrapped his arm slowly around Jongin who adjusted his body to bury his face in the blankets and Chanyeol’s chest, “I love you, Nini.”

 

“I love you so much more Yeolie.”

 

Jongin closed his eyes surrounded by Chanyeol’s warmth and love, and for the first time in weeks, he actually slept through the night.

 

_Jongin dreamt of the first kiss he had with Chanyeol, the emotional rollercoaster he felt as he laid in the grass with the person he knew was the love of his life. Sometimes, love sucks. Sometimes it takes you dangerous places and rips you open from the inside out. It tends to find people at different times in life. Love found Jongin at a young age, but it didn’t truly find Chanyeol until he found his best friend hung from black velvet wrapped in lace._


	5. Of Heart and Home

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

Chanyeol was absolutely true to his word. He stayed the entire time Jongin recovered. Kyungsoo brought a bag of his clothes from home so that he could change into something more comfortable. Each day Chanyeol was patient with Jongin. He helped him eat, bathe, and even dressed him. Yixing showed him how to tend to the small wound so that he didn’t have to call him away from performances or business, or Junmyeon. With Jongin in recovery mode, he had all the free time in the world to spend with Chanyeol.

 

“I like your hair, Yeolie.”

 

“I like yours too, Nini. You should keep it like this.”

 

Jongin ran his fingers through thick red curls and Chanyeol kissed Jongin’s platinum hair, holding him tight. Jongin buried his face in Chanyeol’s chest letting him scratch his head and massage his neck. He could move a bit more freely since his back was healing up nicely.

 

“We get to go home tomorrow. How do you feel?”

 

“Amazing,” Chanyeol smirked and Jongin felt his little snickers so he lifted up looking him in the face, “Although, I should tell you that I moved out and have my own place.”

 

“So, you weren’t going to tell me? You were just going to take me home?”

 

Jongin pouted but it all melted when Chanyeol flicked his bottom lip then capture it between his teeth. His hand traveled to the small of Jongin’s pack pushing him flush against his chest. Jongin moaned quietly as he became pliable in Chanyeol’s arms.

 

“Shut up. You love it. You want to be alone with me just like we are here, most of the time anyway,” the door opened and a freshly dyed silver Baekhyun peeked in,” And there is the other time.”

 

“Hey lovers,” Baekhyun sauntered over to the bed and wiggled his way between Jongin and Chanyeol. They didn't resist for long when Jongin nuzzled into his side.

 

“Hey Baek,” Jongin ruffled Baekhyun’s hair and he squeaked trying to get away until Jongin rubbed his nose across Baekhyun’s cheek and gave him a sloppy, wet kiss.

 

“Ew! You’re going to let him touch me like that?”

 

Baekhyun whined like it was the end of the world and Chanyeol just looked over to Jongin. He nodded gleefully holding Baekhyun just a little tighter. Chanyeol grabbed Baekhyun’s face and planted another sloppy kiss on his lips before he pulled back and Baekhyun smacked Chanyeol’s arm.

 

“You guys are awful together.”

 

“You love us.”

 

Jongin held Baekhyun as he tried to get away again, but then he laid defeated as Jongin kissed his neck and sighed. He curled around Baekhyun feeling fingers intertwined with his. When Jongin looked up he didn’t miss the twinkle in Chanyeol’s eyes. It was the first time he really saw how Baekhyun and Jongin acted around each other.

 

“Okay, maybe a little, but mostly Chanyeol with that -”

 

His words were cut off when Jongin removed his hand from Baekhyun’s and cupped his mouth. Chanyeol was laughing so hard he nearly fell off the bed. Jongin let Baekhyun loose and it was a very bad idea. He popped up and snapped his head to Chanyeol with a smirk playing on his features.

 

“Can I call you Daddy?” He purred and Jongin laughed too hard, hurting his back but it was worth it.

 

Chanyeol couldn’t stop himself from laughing as he bent down and kissed Jongin’s forehead, “Okay Baek! Out! You can go now!”

 

“But really though when do I -” Baekhyun’s words were cut off by Chanyeol forcing his shoulders down to the bed, mouth covered. Jongin didn’t know who was smirking wider, Chanyeol or Baekhyun, but Jongin felt something else slowly burning in the pit of his stomach.

 

“You will not! I haven’t even gotten Jongin on my dick and you're trying to call dibs on either of us isn’t going to happen!”

 

Chanyeol slowly lifted his hand and Baekhyun lifted his eyebrows playfully, “Can I have seconds?”

 

Jongin smacked Baekhyun but then kissed his cheek. Chanyeol just laughed settling back to the other side of the bed holding both of them. He shook his head as Baekhyun buried his face in Jongin’s hair.

 

“Okay, I’m only half joking. Maybe a threesome or Chanyeol can just watch. I’m just trying to get you guys to keep your options open!”

 

Baekhyun quickly jumped off the bed and ran out of the door before a pillow crashed into the wall. Chanyeol settled back into the bed letting Jongin slide into his shoulder. They stayed that way for a moment before Jongin chuckled quietly.

 

“He’s harmless you know.”

 

“We should have never let him watch us play. One little spanking session and he’s obsessed with my dick.”

 

“I don’t think it’s just yours.”

 

“I know, I know. Greedy little shit wants us both.”

 

“I wouldn’t mind. I’m greedy too.”

 

Jongin could feel Chanyeol tense like his inner workings were going haywire but Jongin was too tired to care. It was early evening but Jongin was already tuckered out from all the excitement of Baekhyun’s visit. Chanyeol ran his fingers over Jongin’s lashes and smiled. Jongin remembered the small little affection happening once before but now he was happy. There was a small peck on his forehead before Jongin drifted off to sleep in Chanyeol’s arms.

 

About an hour later Jongin woke up to the same thing, a kiss on the forehead. It was Chanyeol’s favorite thing and Jongin would never tell him no. He stretched carefully lifting his arms over his head and then draping them over Chanyeol’s shoulders pulling him in for a heated kiss.

 

“I’m hungry,”

 

“You’re also turned on. Did you dream about me spanking you, or Baekhyun?”

 

“Mm. Wouldn’t you like to know? Less play, more food.”

 

Jongin tilted his head back and Chanyeol kissed down his neck making him gasp. He would never get used to the way Chanyeol so openly gave him affection now. He let his hands wander and Jongin moved a bit closer lifting his leg to Chanyeol’s hip. They stayed kissing and smiling before Jongin complained he was really hungry and wanted food more than an orgasm.

 

Carefully, Chanyeol helped Jongin out of the bed. He spun him in a little circle and all Jongin could do was laugh and smile. Arms tangled around him and he set his ear against Chanyeol’s chest listening to his heartbeat. It was slow and steady, just like Jongin remembered it. It beat for him and Jongin left a kiss where his head had been.

 

They slowly walked down to the cafeteria area that had been recently renovated. Jongin whispered into Chanyeol’s ear as they walked by a very close Junmyeon and Yixing. They were holding hands and giggling, then Yixing kissed Junmyeon’s nose. For a moment Jongin forgot about the crop and Suho as his cheeks turned pink and he buried his face in Yixing’s shoulder.

 

“I’m so glad they decided to finally date.”

 

“That’s how you and Baekhyun look, and if we look like that too, it's disgustingly cute.”

 

Jongin carefully sat down and only winced a little when he met the back of the chair. Chanyeol grabbed food for the both of them before sitting down and helping Jongin eat.

 

“Does it still hurt?”

 

“The muscles are still sore, but the wound is completely healed. Yixing said I might have a small scar. It really just looked worse than it actually was. Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

 

They ate quietly while listening to little laughs and kisses from behind them. It made them smile with how happy their friends were. Jongin thought that nothing in the world was better than everyone in his life being happy.

 

Afterward, they headed back to the room to settle in for the rest of the day. Chanyeol suggested they just rest while watching some television. As they got comfortable Jongin felt a restlessness take over. It wasn’t that he was too nervous about leaving or going home. There were people he didn’t want to leave behind, more specifically, person. Chanyeol sensed it and held Jongin that much closer.

 

“Are you nervous to go home and see your family or are you anxious because you’ll have to leave Baekhyun here?”

 

“I am...to both.”

 

Jongin turned and buried his face in Chanyeol’s chest. He tried not to make it too obvious but it seemed Chanyeol hadn’t lost his sense to know everything about Jongin, even when he was struggling with something internally. Baekhyun had become more than just a place to stay in the time he was away from Chanyeol. Baekhyun had become home, just as much as Chanyeol was. When the nights brought him fits and nightmares, it was Baekhyun who settled him down telling him that Chanyeol still loved him and would eventually come around. He had never tried to replace Chanyeol, instead, Jongin let him take another piece of his heart right next to him. He loved them equally and Jongin struggled with it.

 

“Don’t be, Nini. Everyone knows that I found you and you need some space. It’s okay, and don’t worry about Baekhyun. He’ll always be here. It’s not like you’re leaving the club forever. Get some sleep.”

 

Jongin felt little circles on his back and Chanyeol’s fingers tracing the scar up his spine. There was barely any pain but it was a reminder that things were real. Chanyeol was real. His love...was real, and Jongin reminded himself that Baekhyun’s love, whatever it may be, was also very real.

 

“Goodnight, Yeolie,” Jongin’s sleepy voice was barely a whisper as he closed his eyes and drifted off. He barely heard Chanyeol say goodnight and that he loved him.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

Unexpectedly, Chanyeol’s apartment was much bigger than Jongin’s room at the club. After giving everyone their goodbye’s and pulling Jongin off of Baekhyun, Chanyeol took him home. Jongin was in awe standing in the middle of Chanyeol’s two-bedroom space. He felt himself being drug inside after toeing off his shoes. He just kept looking around before letting it sink in that this was now home.

 

“I love it,” Jongin wrapped his arms around Chanyeol’s waist and lifted up just slightly to kiss him.

 

“Good. This isn’t even the best part.”

 

Chanyeol picked Jongin up by his bottom and carried him to the second bedroom. Jongin laughed, clutching onto Chanyeol’s shirt and burying himself in Chanyeol’s shoulder. They stepped inside and Jongin nearly lost his composure. He stepped out of Chanyeol’s arms and into the biggest playroom that Jongin had ever seen. It wasn’t as equipped as the one at the club but it was inviting.

 

“Chanyeol is this-”

 

Jongin turned around only to see Chanyeol close the door and smirk, “My playroom? Yes. Now would you be a good boy and kneel for me?”

 

Chanyeol closed the space between them and Jongin lowered himself to the floor as Chanyeol kissed him deeper and deeper. Jongin couldn’t help but moan as Chanyeol let his hands ghost across sensitive areas.

 

“Such a good boy,” Chanyeol bit his lip and knelt in front of Jongin placing his hands on Jongin’s waist, “Such a pretty boy.”

 

“You’re such a tease.”

 

“Oh, I haven’t even started.”

 

Jongin laughed as Chanyeol kissed him leaning until they both met the floor. The kiss became fierce as Chanyeol pushed his tongue into Jongin’s mouth. He parted his lips obediently as he draped his arms over Chanyeol’s shoulders. Jongin moaned into Chanyeol’s mouth as he slid one of his hands up to remove his shirt. Chanyeol pushed Jongin’s knees apart and placed himself between them kissing Jongin’s stomach. He was lost in pleasure as Chanyeol’s shirt lost itself somewhere across the room. There were wet, open-mouthed kisses all the way up Jongin’s chest and he arched into them moaning louder and louder.

 

“When’s the last time you actually got off?” Chanyeol palmed at Jongin’s length through his pants before popping the button and placing his hands on Jongin’s hips.

 

“Before...you know, so more than a week maybe?”

 

Jongin pushed himself up on his elbows and watched at Chanyeol removed his pants and boxers, kissing his thighs. It sent waves of arousal pulsing through his entire body. His cock sprung back and pre-cum soaked his stomach. Chanyeol just stared down at him with lustful, hungry eyes.

 

“Oh, this is going to be fun.”

 

Chanyeol stood and dropped his pants and Jongin gasped. He forgot just how big Chanyeol was. They had fooled around, sure, but they hadn’t ever really gotten far in their heavy petting, not enough for Jongin to see just how pink and thick Chanyeol was.

 

Kneeling, Jongin sat back on his calves for a moment staring before nosing at Chanyeol’s thighs and giving kitten like licks to his pre-cum soaked tip. His breath ghosted across the length and Jongin felt Chanyeol shiver as a hand carded through his hair. He wanted so badly to put it down his throat but then he was lifted up and kissed furiously.

 

“I think this is the first time we’ve been naked in front of each other _and_ turned on.”

 

“You know, I’m still...well you know.”

 

“Me too. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything sexual with Kyungsoo even though he has the most delicious pair of dick sucking lips I’ve ever fucking seen.”

 

There were a few shy glances and a lot of blushing. Jongin laughed and buried his face in Chanyeol’s shoulder before he felt warm kisses down his neck and across his shoulder.

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

 

“I’ve waited too long for it.”

 

“Mm. Good, because I have a surprise for you.”

 

Chanyeol leaned and Jongin walked a few steps before he fell into soft fabric and swung a bit. Jongin ran his hands up the black velvet he had wrapped himself in so many times it felt like a second skin. Chanyeol stood over Jongin whose legs were spread and dangling from the edge of the makeshift seat.

 

“I had Yixing install a small pulley system here and shorten the ropes,” Chanyeol smirked before holding onto the fabric and leaning to Jongin’s ear, “and then I looked up instruction on how to make it into a sex swing.”

 

“Holy shit! Really? Why a sex swing?” Jongin smirked and tilted his head so Chanyeol could have access to his neck. He flicked his tongue across the lobe of Jongin’s ear before standing and pushing the swing back.

 

“Easy on your back, and easier for me to plow into you,” Chanyeol’s eyes grew dark as he loomed over Jongin. It went straight to his cock as Chanyeol bit down on his lip and winked.

 

“Why can’t you go easy on me for our first time?”

 

“No way. You already play with enough toys and I’ve waited just as long to put my dick in you.”

 

Jongin groaned when Chanyeol knelt down holding onto the velvet. He licked a stripe up Jongin’s cock before taking the tip into his mouth and sucking harshly. It sent Jongin’s head back as he closed his eyes and enjoyed the warm, wet feeling of Chanyeol’s mouth. His lips were perfect, pulling every hissing moan from Jongin’s throat.

 

“Fuck.”

 

“There you go.”

 

Chanyeol tongued all over Jongin’s length then kissed his thighs as he panted in the swing. Chanyeol adjusted him so that his ass was barely over the edge of the ropes. He started to stroke Jongin slowly at first, flicking his wrist when he got to the end. Jongin wanted it so bad he was chasing friction with every jerk of his hips. The dark stare Chanyeol gave him made Jongin blush, then Chanyeol leaned down and kissed his parted lips slipping his tongue in slowly.

 

“I want it, Chanyeol, please.”

 

“Ask for it properly.”

 

“I want your cock, please.”

 

“Please, what Jongin?”

 

“Please, Sir I want your cock.”

 

Jongin barely got his words out through whispers and pants as Chanyeol smirked into his lips. They kissed for a bit longer before Chanyeol pulled lube from the table and coated his fingers. He massaged Jongin’s entrance before sliding one finger in, and then two. He had gotten used to three of his own but knew he would need to be prepared properly in order to really take Chanyeol like he wanted.

 

By the time he was ready he was begging for it whispering profanities and little pleas into Chanyeol’s shoulder. The swing kept his head from falling back, but it didn't keep him still as the force of Chanyeol’s fingers brought him down harder and harder. The swing’s momentum had Jongin’ begging and screaming to be filled.

 

“Please, just fuck me.”

 

“Mm. I guess you’ve been good enough,” Chanyeol smirked before placing a kiss on Jongin’s temple and coating his length with lube, “Yellow to slow down, red to stop.”

 

“Yes, Sir.”

 

Jongin felt the swing push back just the slightest, and then Chanyeol’s tip brushing against his entrance. It was slow at first, giving Jongin the necessary time to adjust to Chanyeol’s size and pace. He was moaning just as much as Jongin was as they started to get faster. Jongin moved his hand down the velvet ropes to meet Chanyeol’s hands near his hips. They twisted in the black fabric as Chanyeol looked down with furrowed brows picking up his pace.

 

“Jongin, can I go faster now, please?”

 

“Fuck yes.”

 

It was all the permission needed for Chanyeol to slam himself into Jongin’s prostate over and over as he keened. Jongin felt quivering lips meet his as Chanyeol leaned down to kiss him sloppy and rushed. He could barely contain himself. They had waited too long for all of this. There was barely any time for them to be alone in the club, and with Jongin’s back, they couldn’t do much of anything.

 

Chanyeol’s eyes grew darker as he started to get harder and faster. Jongin was nearly screaming with each time Chanyeol’s hips were flush with his ass. He slammed in one last time before he felt the heat curling in his stomach, the familiar feeling of a climax that Jongin thought was way too soon.

 

“Y-Yellow. Chanyeol, slow down. I’m going to cum.”

 

Jongin pulled Chanyeol down for a kiss as they panted into each other’s mouth. The swing slowed and Chanyeol let go of the ropes to stroke Jongin’s hair, “Not yet, you aren’t.”

 

“Ass.”

 

Jongin was lifted from the swing and Chanyeol laid back on the bed so that Jongin was still on top of him. They had talked about all sort of positions and Jongin was very interested in riding Chanyeol. He started off slow before he fell into Chanyeol’s shoulder. He laid his feet flat on the bed and met Jongin’s pace slowly canting and grunting.

 

It was like a slow dance the way Jongin used his hips to roll his body back and forth. Chanyeol held on tight leaving little marks where his fingers pressed into the soft skin of his waist. Their breathing was uneven and Jongin knew it wouldn’t last much longer.

 

“I-I love you, Jongin.”

 

“I love you too. Fuck”

 

“Want me to make you cum,” Chanyeol kissed Jongin furiously before his arm wrapped around Jongin’s waist, “Cum then.”

 

Jongin felt Chanyeol’s other hand creep up to his throat. They had talked about getting a little kinkier and finally, Chanyeol got the courage to wrap his hand around Jongin’s throat gripping lightly. He held Jongin that much closer as he bit down on his lip and rocked faster. With Chanyeol holding down his hips he got the friction he wanted, thrusting until he came screaming Chanyeol’s name at the top of his lungs. His head fell against Chanyeol’s chest as he was slammed into over and over again until Chanyeol reached his own high. They unraveled in each other’s arms riding out orgasms before being completely spent.

 

“Fuck, I love you, Chanyeol.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

Jongin cradled Chanyeol’s sweaty face in his hands and kissed his salty lips. When Chanyeol rubbed his nose into Jongin’s face he cringed. He was covered in his own sweat and felt filthy. Jongin sat up carefully rolling over to lay beside Chanyeol who buried his face in Jongin’s neck.

 

“You’re gross. Let’s shower.”

 

“You’re the one who came on my stomach.”

 

“Don’t go there.”

 

Suddenly, Jongin was hauled up over Chanyeol’s shoulder and brought into the bathroom laughing loudly. They showered, playing around with the shampoo and holding each other close. Chanyeol changed the sheets and refused to put clothes on since they were going to bed. Jongin joined him and they curled up into each other’s naked bodies falling asleep quickly. Jongin didn’t dream because everything in his life was nearly perfect, nearly.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

A few days later, Yixing came to check on Jongin’s back and how well it had healed. He examined it closed while an anxious Chanyeol hovered over him, then he gave the A-Okay for Jongin to return to dancing if he so chose. Jongin looked to Chanyeol who nodded his head joyfully with approval. Jongin watched as Yixing handed over a box to Chanyeol before leaving. It was familiar and Jongin tried his best to place where it came from.

 

Chanyeol waved Yixing out of the door then turned to Jongin. He grinned and then motioned toward the hallway. He tucked the box under his arm and Jongin felt himself being ushered to the second bedroom.

 

“Playroom. Now.”

 

“What is this all of a sudden?”

 

Jongin laughed as Chanyeol kissed his ears and neck. It was a playful display before entering the room and closing the door behind them. All Chanyeol did was unbutton his shirt and look at Jongin with dark eyes.

 

“Strip.”

 

“Yes, Sir.”

 

Jongin removed his clothes and then it hit him where the box had come from. It was the same box that Junmyeon had used the first time they had a play session. He didn’t know if the same things laid inside, but his cock instantly sprang to life at the thought.

 

Just as Jongin had thought, it was the fabrics from the club. Chanyeol pulled an envelope from the top as Jongin wrapped himself in the velvet ropes from the ceiling. Chanyeol had gotten used to the fact that Jongin sometimes just liked to hang from them and spin.

 

“To my lovers; from your other boyfriend. Always, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol rolled his eyes and smiled as Jongin laughed, “We’re going to have to have a threesome with him just so he’ll shut up and stop harassing us.”

 

“I don’t think you could handle two brats.”

 

“I could damn sure try.”

 

Chanyeol walked over to Jongin with pieces of fabric very familiar to him. They were there for the first time Jongin took a punishment and they were there now as Chanyeol was giving him his first in their new relationship. They discussed everything and finally, Jongin agreed so long as Chanyeol respected their safewords. It had been a long recovery for Jongin but he was ready. Chanyeol’s eyes were dark and lustful as he leaned down and kissed Jongin still tangled in the ropes.

 

“Ask for what you want?”

 

“Black velvet, if you please.”

 

The air in the room grew thick as Jongin was strung up and flogged for the first time since they left the club. He arched into every hit with the suede flogger. Chanyeol vowed never to use the rubber one ever again. He had learned how to handle Jongin’s needs as they eased into play at home. Jongin’s reactions were easy to gauge and Chanyeol knew when to go harder and when to kiss down his spine. He knelt behind Jongin kissing every inch of his thighs before he was trembling with need.

 

“Please.”

 

That was all it took and Chanyeol was wrapping his arms around Jongin’s waist. Jongin ached for it and let his head fall back into Chanyeol’s shoulder as his hands wandered up and down Jongin’s chest. Finally, he wrapped his large hand around Jongin’s leaking cock and he fucked into Chanyeol’s hand coming with a strangled moan of his name.

 

Chanyeol had even gotten better with aftercare. He let Jongin down easy and cradled him in the bed, cleaning up the mess. Jongin always giggled because he was ticklish, then he would sigh loudly as Chanyeol massaged lotions or oils into Jongin’s back. They fell comfortably into a routine until one day Jongin felt like something was missing.

 

It was easy for Chanyeol to tell, but Jongin ruminated over it for days. He still hadn’t gone back to the club even though he was cleared to go back to work and dance. He needed time, and he couldn’t fully understand why. Jongin found himself in the playroom one day about a week later just looking over the letter Baekhyun had sent, absentmindedly running his thumb over Baekhyun signature.

 

“You could always go see him.”

 

A voice from the door startled Jongin but he just shook his head and frowned. He had a boyfriend, and even though they had discussed it, they never acted on the threesome. It became a playful joke until Chanyeol sat Jongin down on the bed and gave him a serious face.

 

“Jongin, babe, you miss him. It’s okay to go see him.”

 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

 

“Why? Because you have feelings for him?”

 

Jongin sulked and hung his head. He felt a tinge of guilt for loving Chanyeol and Baekhyun at the same time. He spent years being in love with Chanyeol, and now that he finally had him, he didn’t want to fuck it up. Going to the club to see Baekhyun was a bad idea to him, but Chanyeol pushed.

 

“Jongin, I’m serious. If you don’t go see him -”

 

“Chanyeol, do you know what it means if I go see him?”

 

“It means that the hole your filling with punishment and Cheetos will be filled with him instead.”

 

“How did you -”

 

Jongin was cut off by fingers on his lips and then Chanyeol pressing a kiss to them. They fell backward on the bed and Jongin was hauled on top of Chanyeol. He looked up fondly shaking his head and smiling. Jongin felt his heart swell a bit. He really did miss Baekhyun and ever since they left he had started eating unhealthy food and begging for more punishment. He got spanked nearly every other day until he was crying, but Chanyeol was intuitive and knew the reason Jongin was doing it was that he was conflicted over Baekhyun.

 

“I’m not an idiot, and I’m not blind. I know what he meant to you while you were gone, and what he still means to you now. I dwell in you as much as he does. Why do you think I let you kiss and hug him so openly?”

 

“I don’t know. I thought you might like it and think it was hot?”

 

“It’s because I know how much you care about him babe and it is pretty hot.”

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

_That night when they settled into bed Jongin dreamed again. This time of when he ran away from home to Baekhyun’s house. He remembered the way Baekhyun handled him with care and never pushed his boundaries. He remembered how Baekhyun said he belonged to someone else and it wasn’t him, but Jongin did belong to Baekhyun, or he wanted to. He wanted Baekhyun in the next room when Chanyeol couldn’t comfort him through his sleep because he was working late on something. Jongin wanted to be able to crawl into bed with Baekhyun and kiss both him and Chanyeol at breakfast in the morning. He woke up with a heavy heart and even heavier tears._


	6. Of Forever and Always

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

Four days later Jongin came home to what he thought was an empty house. The lights were all off and Jongin knew the only time that happened was when Chanyeol wanted him in the playroom right away. Jongin toed off his shoes and prepared himself for what could only be a punishment for something he may have forgotten about. What he found instead was an empty room, and his heart fell. Everything that had been on the walls was no longer there. He stepped inside and saw the bed neatly made and felt his tears welling up. The only reasons that the playroom would be empty would be company or Chanyeol was breaking up with him.

 

The silence of the apartment nearly killed Jongin. He turned around and started making his way to the other bedroom hopeful that Chanyeol was still there and so were his things. Jongin cautiously opened the door and found that again, all the lights were off. This time though, there were candles everywhere. The entire room was lit by amber waves and smelled like the forest. Jongin smiled through his tears wondering just what he did to earn this kind of treat. But when he stepped further in, he felt different hands and different kisses.

 

They searched for things in Jongin that he didn’t think he had. The hands wrapped around his waist carefully and slowly, and he knew those hands had longed for him. All Jongin could do was let his sobs echo in the room. He didn’t deserve Baekhyun, and he sure as hell didn’t deserve Chanyeol but both of them loved him wholly and completely. Jongin couldn’t stop himself from sobbing. Slowly, he was turned around and met the eyes that belonged to the hands as they cupped his face.

 

The sobs in the room didn’t belong to just him, they belonged to someone else that Jongin had long neglected when they left the club. He wondered just how long Chanyeol had waited to bring him over. He knew it probably took absolutely no convincing Baekhyun to come over. Jongin felt a thumb graze over the tears on his face and leaned into each little touch and brush of fingers.

 

Nothing in the world mattered except for the lips on his. Even Chanyeol, who was sitting across the room, was long forgotten as Jongin’s lips met Baekhyun’s. The hole that was inside him filled little by little as Baekhyun held him tighter and kiss him longer. Jongin reached out to him and finally held onto him like he had wanted to for days.

 

“I missed you.”

 

The cracked voiced that came from Baekhyun made Jongin cry harder. He should never have left things unsettled with Baekhyun. They loved each other and Chanyeol had known all along. He never pushed, but he knew that the thing missing in Jongin was Baekhyun. There were pieces of him that belonged to many people in many different ways but the pieces that said ‘eternal love’ belonged to Chanyeol _and_ Baekhyun. Jongin only stopped crying long enough to catch his breath before pressing his lips into Baekhyun’s again.

 

“I missed you more. I love you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

“I waited so long for you to say that. I love you, too, Jongin.”

 

“How long? How long was I stupid and never told you?”

 

“The first time was the day you performed in front of Kyungsoo, the next was the day Chanyeol came and they had to restrain me...”

 

The dimly lit room still gave enough light to show Baekhyun’s painful face. His eyes held so many emotions that Jongin never saw before, never noticed before. He smiled and Jongin just kissed him until they were breathless. He felt a hand on the small of his back and Chanyeol was standing over him. When he looked up all he saw was the fondness that was all too familiar. He caught glimmers of it in the club and knew that Chanyeol had wanted this all along.

 

“I’m going to give you two some time alone.”

 

“No,” Jongin held onto the hem of his shirt as Baekhyun grabbed his arm, “Stay with us. You’re just as much a part of me as Baekhyun is. Besides, I know you want to watch.”

 

Jongin watched Chanyeol go back to the chair and noticed he was in the same black slacks and white shirt he had worn the night they found each other in the club. He was wearing gray knit socks instead of shoes and sipping on what Jongin knew could only be whiskey. Baekhyun ghosted kisses across his neck and pulled his focus from one lover to another.

 

He guided Jongin into the bed and after a moment, he realized they were in _the master bedroom_. The playroom was empty because Baekhyun was moving in. Jongin felt stupid for letting himself doubt Chanyeol for even a second. Jongin felt the love from both Baekhyun and Chanyeol nearly suffocating him as Baekhyun started to strip him of his clothes. He could only arch into each touch that he never let himself have when he stayed at the club.

 

Careful hands cupped his face as Baekhyun laid on top of him. If he wasn’t already so aroused, he would have laughed that Baekhyun had been undressed the entire time. He fluttered kisses across Jongin’s chest and he wasn’t sure if the gasps that filled the room were from his lips or Chanyeol’s. He glanced over to see him palming himself and biting his lip. Jongin couldn’t contain himself as Baekhyun swallowed him down. Everything was perfect and Jongin could never want more.

 

But without asking, he received more, so much more. Baekhyun was a different type of lover than Chanyeol. Where Chanyeol was rough and would manhandle him, Baekhyun was gentle and meticulous. Jongin felt every single inch of his skin kissed and caressed until he was panting and pulling Baekhyun up to kiss him deep and passionate.

 

Jongin was completely lost in his own universe. A universe that was finally filled with Chanyeol. One that also had Baekhyun. It was full of hurdles and obstacles but Jongin overcame them all and knew that all the love he received was because he _did_ deserve it. Baekhyun kissed the shell of his ear and whispered something that Jongin made him repeat twice.

 

“I want to make love to you Jongin.”

 

“Please, Baekhyun, please. I love you.”

 

“I love you more.”

 

One finger turned into two, and then Baekhyun bottomed out in one go. Chanyeol moaned low and Jongin watched him stroking himself to fullness. His concentration ripped away as Baekhyun started thrusting and groaning. Jongin reached out for his shoulders and pulled him flush, kissing down his neck. He left a violet bruise on Baekhyun’s neck and felt Baekhyun leaving an identical one on the opposite side of Jongin’s shoulder.

 

The entire room was filled with moans and gasps as Baekhyun picked up his pace and Jongin’s eyes fluttered from Chanyeol’s face to Baekhyun. He was vaguely aware of Chanyeol ridding himself of the rest of his clothes and Baekhyun’s hips stuttering.

 

“Fuck, Jongin. You’re so tight. How can you take Chanyeol’s fat cock and still be so tight?”

 

All Jongin could do was hiss as Baekhyun gripped his hips and sat back fucking into him harder. Chanyeol’s choked moans became louder and more frequent as Jongin knew he was climaxing. It crawled up Jongin’s spine and then settled back down in his stomach as he felt Baekhyun jerking him to completion. He nearly screamed both of his lovers' names as Baekhyun buried himself deep and kept slamming into his prostate over and over.

 

Jongin’s sweaty bangs were pushed from his head as he screamed over and over as Baekhyun’s thrusts grew wild. Chanyeol leaned down and kiss him slipping in tongue and making it dirty and sloppy. Baekhyun received the same treatment as his eyebrows furrowed and he thrust in once more burying himself so deep that Jongin came again. Baekhyun fell over into both Jongin and Chanyeol as he rode out his own orgasm.

 

“You’re both so good for me. What did I do to deserve such amazing boyfriends?”

 

Jongin looked up from Baekhyun’s side at Chanyeol beaming down at them, “Really? Both of us? I can have both of you?”

 

“You can have whatever you want, Nini.”

 

“I want Baekhyun to move in and I want breakfast for dinner, and I want to watch movies on the couch with both of you holding my hand,” Jongin started to cry and buried himself between Chanyeol’s thigh and Baekhyun's chest, “I want to love both of you.”

 

Jongin watched as Baekhyun and Chanyeol exchanged knowing looks shaking their head. They both smothered Jongin in the biggest hug he had received in his entire life. He could barely breathe but he didn’t care. Baekhyun was there and Chanyeol was there, and they were all in love. Jongin found himself smiling through his tears as Baekhyun kissed down his scar and Chanyeol wiped his tears. Baekhyun ghosted his lips up Jongin’s back before settling his chin into Jongin’s shoulder. An arm came across and Jongin watched as Baekhyun and Chanyeol laced their fingers together, pulling it to hold by Jongin’s heart. Jongin felt puffs of air and lips across the shell of his ear as Baekhyun whispered into it.

 

“Do you want pancakes or waffles?”

 

 

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)

 

_Sometimes, love sucks. Sometimes it takes you dangerous places and rips you open from the inside out. It tends to find people at different times in life. Love found Jongin at a young age, but it didn’t truly find Chanyeol until he found his best friend hung from black velvet wrapped in lace. It didn’t find Baekhyun until he had to watch his entire world crumble to the floor._

 

Jongin knew that love had changed him when he saw the light in Baekhyun’s eyes and felt the warmth of Chanyeol’s touch.

 

_Sometimes love is patient, sometimes it waits its turn._

 

Jongin never had to wait for love ever again. Baekhyun took his time and let Jongin find his whole heart, little puzzle pieces that Jongin never knew were missing but when they finally fell into place, it made sense. Chanyeol had been there since the beginning and Baekhyun had been there for the worst. They completed Jongin in ways that he couldn’t understand, didn’t want to understand. It just was, is, and always had been. Chanyeol was the strength Jongin needed when he couldn’t find it in himself, and Baekhyun was the nurturing hand Jongin craved when all of that strength failed. They all relied on each other for different things and Jongin knew that in the end, he wouldn’t change anything in his life. Every road, no matter how hard, had led him to where he was. It shaped him into _who_ he was and that person was who Chanyeol and Baekhyun loved.

 

 

Jongin pulled himself up on the velvet ropes in the club for his first performance since leaving. He looked down to see everyone smiling at him in different ways. Chanyeol and Baekhyun looked at each other, linking hands, before staring up at Jongin fondly. Kyungsoo and Taemin watched in awe as they whispered to each other quietly. Junmyeon and Yixing stood on the side of stage bickering between themselves and Jongin wanted to laugh when Yixing smacked Junmyeon’s ass with his clipboard, breaking it in two.

 

Swaying and twisting, Jongin closed his eyes feeling all other eyes on him. He was never nervous or scared as he performed in front of what could have been hundreds of people. He took a deep breath and let himself down. The only eyes he cared about were there and he knew that they would never leave him. He lifted himself up again, wrapping the silks around his thighs before splitting his legs and slowly letting the spin take him around in circles. He found his head lulling and being controlled by the music as slowly fell to the floor. He stayed legs apart as he lifted them over his head and used all his strength to twist them around both ropes. It wound tight around his midsection before he let it all go and he unraveled to the floor again.

 

Each performance always got a standing ovation, Yixing being the loudest of the bunch. Jongin knew that they had been talking about a triple threat show and understood his excitement every time Jongin pulled in more customers. Renovations to the stage kept them from doing it but Junmyeon had said it would only be a little longer then he, Yixing, and Baekhyun could dance on the same stage.

 

 

Jongin found himself backstage after with his boyfriends, chugging water and getting lots of kisses and hugs. It wasn’t long before they were all piled into Jongin’s old room letting hands wander and clothes disappear. He was surprised when Baekhyun was the one to pull him from the bed and move him under the pulley system, Chanyeol right behind him. They knew what Jongin liked, what he needed. They wrapped him in black velvet and lace then kissed his scar until he was quivering.

 

The scar was a reminder that it was real, all of it. The strong fabric around his wrists reminded him of Chanyeol. Black velvet; dark but soft always holding him up when he wanted to fall. The delicate lace reminded him of Baekhyun; sensual, elegant, and forever transparent so Jongin could see right through. They held Jongin together and complimented him in every way.

 

The scar also reminded Jongin of himself. In a moment of weakness, Jongin felt like a coward and ran away from home. He ripped himself open and bled his feelings from his soul until he couldn’t take anymore. When it all healed, he was weak at first but over time, he grew stronger because of it. It became a part of Jongin like everything else in his life and the faint mark became a memoir of how Jongin transformed his story from a tragedy into an epic romance.

 

(Heavy Black Heart ≊ Red Heart)


End file.
